My Vows (quick and dirty version)

My dear, Love.
Today is the reason the Heavens have allowed you to fall.
You are a fallen angel.
But you are my angel.
And the Heavens have blessed me with you.
With your wings of glory, I want you to journey with me to find True Happiness.
I, __________, promise to take you, __________, to forever be my bride.
I will be at your side, even past the day the minute hands stop running their spirals.
In you, I am finally free.
This I swear to you...
I will watch over you.
I will protect you.
I will hold you.
Love you.
No matter our distance.
You will always be in my heart.
In our love, I pray, we will be the beacon of hope to all others.
The Heavens have given us their blessings and the world have rejoiced in our love.
But if the world shall rebuke us, then we shall face it together.

My Dreams, They've Got to Kiss, Because I Don't Get Sleep, No..

Lately I've been sleeping on this black leather click-clack sofa. My mother tells me I shouldn't be sleeping on it, because it has bad Feng-Shui. Apparently because the door entrance has direct view of the sofa. I guess the door is a gate way for supernatural beings and powers to channel through. Nonetheless I've been getting sooo many dreams because of this sofa and "Feng-Shui."

Maybe I should experiment on this more?

So, about two weeks ago, I dreamed I was at Basic Training in some military force. I was with a friend who has his life set on being a Marine. Funny thing is I am set on being in the Army. Anyway we were both training and next thing I know we are both in one of the Middle-Eastern countries. We were shooting our rifles, side by side, into a plume of smoke. Then a land mine exploded right between us. We both were still standing like nothing had happened. We just kept shooting. Then we both noticed we were bleeding like rain. But we just kept fighting. Then a legion of nights came charging at me. I killed a few with my rifle and picked up one of their swords. With my left hand I used my rifle and with my right hand I decapitated a few of my foes.

This past Saturday, I dreamed I was on a bed laying down waiting for someone. A woman with black hair with large streaks of blond walked in, dressed all provocative. I got on bed and next thing I know I was strapped to a chair in an interrogating room. The woman was pouring buckets of water over me.

The next day, I was in bed with the same woman. At least I think it was her. We were in love and did the what a married couple would usually do on their honey moon. I ran my finger down her back. Her skin was so indescribably soft and smooth. I actually think I felt a hint of what love really is. I only wished I could have seen her face. Her long beautiful hair was concealing it. Then my alarm clock rang.

After shutting off the alarm, I went back to bed. And I dreamed about being in a large college, looking a couple that I called, "My Two Woes." The halls were crowded, but I continued to look for them. I had a friend who I couldn't make out, who accompanied me. I kept saying to my friend, "I am looking for My Two Woes."
Then I got a tap from my shoulder, and it was them, the Two Woes. They were girls I actually knew in real life. I sang one of their names and gave her a big hug. Then I was greeted by an another alarm.

Wow ,You Move On Fast.

Yeah after looking at our old photos, not on Facebook. I realized how fast you moved to another man. That's alright, I hope you're happy though.

My friend was right. Most, if not all of you are just succubi. Beautiful monsters.

Mixed Signals

I just don't understand what signs and signals you ladies are trying to send.
One day you tell me you love me because the way I am, the next you tell me, you would never date me. Supposedly when a girl is about to leave you for another man, you are suppose to hold on to her tighter??? What about if I truly love you, I will let you go? And I see you sooo much happier with the other guy than me. So isn't letting go a good thing? Then you come tell me I am suppose to hold on to you. Why should I do such a thing, when you are wanting to leave me anyway? The reason I let you go is because I am looking out for your happiness! Not because I am indifferent. I really do care and it really really hurts every time I see you!
Bleh, this is just a reflection of the past 4 years. I've seen so many movies with the same same old cliche love situations. It seems like girls try to go for that kinda situations, but whenever I try to provide that exact fantasy, I am told that I need a reality check. Ah teenage angst and hormones. I can't wait to be rid of them.

This is also the reason I stay up so late.

I struggled to sleep Friday night. So I just decided to lie as still as I could. That seemed to do the trick. Next thing I knew, I thought I awoken. I could see everything, but I was paralyzed. I couldn't move at all. I knew it must have been one of my Sleep Paralysis episodes. Of course I had the usual symptoms, hearing frightening noises, difficulty breathing, and seeing very frightening hallucinations. So what ensued in this episode was as frightening as my very first.
The first thing I noticed was the awkward position I was sleeping in. I was all contorted. From waist down, I was completely laid flat, but my upper torso was turned to the side. This has gotta be bad for my spine, but of course, I couldn't move. Then I started to hear white noise and static. Eventually the static turned to moans of pain and pleasure. Eventually blood curdling screams, overlapped the moans. I think my subconscious must have re-opened my audio memory from that Suicide Mouse video. Yeah I was scared.
Next, I saw strange floating objects, they moved a little closer. They started to smell and drip. Then I saw what they really were. Floating decaying decapitated heads. It seemed all the heads were ripped off their bodies very violently. Some heads still has their spinal cord attached. Predator? Well not long after their bodies rose up from the floor. All them pointed at me and started to stagger towards me like zombies. Then the heads opened their eyes and mouth, and started to chatter or grind their teeth.
Next thing I know they disappeared into the shadows. Suddenly I felt as if I couldn't breath at all. When I went to look at my body, I was then completely laying flat. On my chest there was an older woman sitting on it. She smelled like tar and coal. Her hair was black, but it seemed to snaked down her body. Of course she was naked. I don't really wanna describe what her body looked like, all I'll say it had maggots crawling and squirming all over it. I really didn't know what language she spoke, but I just knew it was about my body. She started stroking my head, neck, and chest. Then she groped my chest. This was when I really struggled to move. Of course nothing worked. Out of no where I woke up.

Please No More

I just don't want to go back.
I don't want to see those tears.
Your lamentations just destroy me.
The words, "I Love you," written in your own blood.
Why? Please tell me! Why did I do this to you?
I can't take back what I've done.
I can't take back anything.

So...?

This month has been baffling. So many unanswered questions. So little time to ponder. In a way I am losing my head. I haven't been thinking clearly. I haven't been aware, vigilant, and my reactions have been slow. Maybe it's due to the lack of sleep.

So I just recently finished the first season of my favorite anime. I am actually starting to resent the whole series now. It's making me bitter again. Maybe I should stop. It brings up so many hurtful emotions. Envy and bitterness being the strongest.

I am actually wondering if anyone is reading this? If anyone is, I wonder if they are thinking, "Oh great, this emo shit again?"

Maybe I am just not thinking straight.

Yeah I am losing it, what can you do about it?

Loose Ends

So many unfinished stories. So where is my inspiration? Will I continue my series of the grisly murders? Or will I abandon the rituals? What every happened to the boy with three crosses? What every happened to my writing?

So many unsolved mysteries. Where is that suited slender figure? Is he stalking me? You? Did we see something we weren't supposed to? It was only last week I saw that circle. I wonder... I need to see it again...

There is less than a week to prepare for another change in my life. I have to thank you, if I haven't met you then I would have cut myself off from many. I am glad my friends didn't hangout with me that last night at the convention, or else I would have never met you. If you read this. I am not sure anymore. I always wanted to know how you were doing, but I guess I don't ask. No hard feelings, none taken from me. I am only now sorry that I was never there for you.

Requiem for a Monster, Pt. 1: The Dead are not Silent.

I couldn't sleep. She was laying right next to me. I just couldn't stop thinking about her. She was amazing, her body was amazing. Her blond hair; sleek as silk. Her voice entrancing as a siren's. I just had to feel her hands once more. It was slimy and warm. Slowly my thoughts of her faded away as my eyes grew heavy. The warm radiance of her still warm body gave me comfort. I fell into a dream.
Darkness was everywhere. I ran back and forth, there seemed to be no end of it. Then as I turn my head, there was shadowy figure behind me. This shaded figure was dressed in a shady robe and hood. A small quiet voice came from this shade, "Why?" it asked. It was a woman. The she droned on the question. As I started to lose interest, her tone shifted, it sounded as if she was in despair.
"Why? Why??? Why?! Why?!!!" the hooded woman prayed. She then turned and screamed to me, "Why have you done this to me?!"
She removed her hood, and then she gouged out her eyes. She pulled a mirror from her shady robes and shattered it by repeatedly smashing her fists into it. Her hands were mutilated. She picked up ten small; blunt shards and shoved them each of them into her finger nails, and pried them. She then took larger; sharper shards and stabbed them through her cheeks, into her eye sockets, and through her eyes lids. She attempted to blink, and the shards of glass ripped a deeper gash on a her eye lids. She took the largest and last shard of the mirror, and then pierced her belly; and with it, she ripped stomach her chest and started to pull out her entrails. She then carved open her chest and snapped each ribs with her hand. She then stabbed the exposed heart. She slowly crawled to me and begged,"Only you can set me free! Please!" I felt a small urge to laugh.
I suddenly woke from the sun shining in my eyes. Only it was the reflection from the mirror shards in the woman's eyes. Ah, her hands were now crusty and cold. My bed was now caked in blood. I sighed a sigh disappointment. I proceeded into the bathroom and took out some bleach from the sink's cupboard. And I stared at the empty void where the mirror once was placed. I then turned my attention to the woman's naked corpse. I wrapped the entrails around her neck. I tried to move her arms and legs into, but rigor mortis had stiffened her body. With some force I moved her limbs into place. I enjoyed the cracking of limbs and bones as curled her body into a ball. I gently wrapped the corpse with a hefty bag. Then dragged the body to my basement door.

Beauty in Ruins

The monster finally road out of town. The cathedral should be unwatched. I manage to slip myself into one of the cracks in the roof top and scale down using the belfry's chains. I check every corners for any restless souls and ghouls. It seemed that nature has reclaimed most of it's territory. The once glossy marble floor now covered in moss, and the once dynamic stained glass windows have been either shattered or removed from their panes by protruding tendrils of ivy. Alas there is no sign of any fiends. It seems that the ruined cathedral has kept it's purity.
I creep my way to organs and delicately brush the dust away from the keys. My fingers at the ready, I play, Requiem. Butterflies ascend from the pipes, they seems to be flying to the melody. How beautiful.

So Falls the Mask

Finally, I face the emotion that my friend told me I would.
A great foe.
Anger, jealousy, wrath.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I need help.
I feel so lost.
It's has left a terrible taste in my mouth.
All I've done, does it matter?
Will someone tell me an answer?
All my hard work.
All my missed opportunities in the name of a "future."
Tomorrow I might be gone.
Tomorrow might never come for me.
Missed opportunities for, I don't know "love?"
I am just I don't know anymore.
I feel bitter.
Finally I feel an ounce of despair.

Ode to a Closing Chapter

Good bye to ten months of my life.
Moments of happiness, there were.
Moments of sorrow, there were.
Ah! So much we have learned!
Rhetorical terms!
Time management!
Fancy words!
Intelligent words!
How to take multiple choice tests!
How to write an essay!
What makes our teacher tick!
And of course, we learned about each other.
My dear friends, although, I may not know all of you and I might not be your friend,
Just know you are mine.
These are ten months we all spent together.
In one classroom.
With one teacher.
Learning together.
Writing together.
And Laughing together.
I hope you all enjoyed the time we had together.
Many stories where told (including my traumatizing time at Crystal's).
Mrs. Leblanc, you have given us all priceless gifts.
Knowledge.
Inspiration.
Confidence.
And so much more.
I thank you.
Now I must say adieu.
And see you next fall.

Then This Will Be...

As I walk in shadow of nature, I wonder what has become of you and me?
Distant and cold, all we do is exchange cold glances.
Small pokes here and there, but only on the world wide web.
As I leave for war, will you know about it?
I wonder will you think of me?
Will you be waiting for that one poke, that you've sent?
If I die, will you hear of it?
Will you help scatter my ashes?
If I come back broken and scarred, will you comfort me?
One day we will meet, you will gaze into my eyes, and I will meet yours.
Your face, filled with awe and regret.
I will ask you, "Do you remember me?"
I know I will remember you.
You will say,"Only some days and some nights."
Then this will be...

Do You Have the Patience for Me?

Many say to never pray for patience.
Because it will bring much suffering.
I have prayed for patience since I've been saved.
Yes, many events have pushed me to insanity.
But now I have patience to see, observe, and understand you.
I know you have a low capacity for.
and I blame myself for the most part.
Because I was never there.
I had let you down so many times.
But sometimes, I wish you would have waited for me.
Because I waited for you.
Everyone tells me to be more assertive.
Maybe I should, but that's not me.

I Don't Know, Forgive the Me, Just Rambling.

So Why do I speak the truth, when it scares or anger people? Do people REALLY want you to ever speak the truth? No one wants to hear the truth that hurts the ear. Even I am guilty. So once again truth is the only sure way freedom. Secrets and lies can only chain you? I am still chained up, I don't know why I never told anyone my secrets. I just don't know, I am just searching for that one person to share my life with. The most I've told one person was the only half of my life. Then I was in a way betrayed. But that's the past. All is forgiven, but never forgotten.

Thanks for this life, God. You taught me so much. You put me through so much. You've given me so much. You saved me so many times.

I guess the truth is, I will not reveal any truths about me again. If given the choice of life and death... I am sure you know the answer, God. So when would you like to pick me up on eagle's wings? Ready whenever you are, just give me patience and wisdom. Maybe If you could at least allow me to go away to another world and be you know who.... Well maybe it's not the best thing to do. But if you can give me some reason to well you know, then maybe, just maybe, I can bear more fruit. Right now I am weak. As much as I want to bear a lot of fruit, I just don't fully appreciate the truth yet. As much as I try, I feel empty. So one man, has told me just to let go. Let you, Lord, do all the work. Well alright, I'll submit, I'll take my coat of my life and give it to you.

Counting Days

The day I join the army seems like far yet close future. Not sure if that made sense. I wonder if there will be anything that will change my plans for the army. Alas if nothing changes, then it's goodbye to everybody for 25 years, maybe longer. If I do happen to do my math right, I won't be getting out of the army until I am 45.
I wonder what will happen to everyone while I am gone? The things I will miss... Wedding's of friends? Seeing my friends' children? The funerals? So I suppose when I finally get out, I will find each one of friends. Give their children gifts, and place flowers on their graves. I will always remember my friends, but will they forget me? Will they make jokes about me, when they see a ninja movie? Will they remember me when they see another Asian boy with glasses? What if I die in the war? Will they place flowers on my memorial? As my fellow comrades hail the 21 Guns salute? Will they scatter my ashes?

Root of Sin

In my work place, I see many demons.
I sell the demon Gluttony, and the costumers are devoured by it.
In trade for Gluttony, I am given Greed.
I carefully banish the demon into a cash register.
Then it is liberated only to buy more demons.
Every now and then, there is a human, who is is possessed by Pride.
This human openly display's the amount of Greed he has obtained.
Soon the demon lust is released, from another human seeing such wealth.
She removes her large jacket and steps forward to court the rich man.
She wears revealing shorts, and and extremely tight v-neck top.
It disgusts me, as I see those two later come out of the family bathroom together...
The woman's hair that once was sleek, now grimy.
The man's once sharp appearance, now ruined by an unfastened zipper.

Forever By My Side

My angels what is it that you feel, when I sin before your eyes?
Do you despise what I have become?
Each time I sin, I nail a cross to your Lord and Master...
Do you wonder why I ever do such horrendous acts?
And still I know all of you by name.
Does that mean you are still with me?
Will you forgive me?
Can you forgive me?
Please don't ever leave me.
I want all of you to accompany me to my afterlife.
Either to pray with me in Heaven.
Or punish me in Hell.

I wonder.

My love, why do you keep silent?
Why do you talk to me when you need me?
You know I am insecure.
Why do you torture me so?
You know I want your company.
I feel so alone.
Why do you silence up?

My angel, I do not mean to be mute.
The reason you don't hear from me, is because I care for you.
I see myself as a pest.
Please forgive me, my heart aches to know that I am hurting you.
My heart longs for your company and your love.
Everyday, I am silent, I suffer as well.
I only wish for what is best for you.
I ask for you forgiveness.
I love you.
Do you love me?

And I woke up, this was all a dream. She loves another and now I am alone.

She is Always There. Never.

To think, that you said, goodbye.
But you never left.
I will wait and I will see what you do.
I can see your mind slipping away.
Your monsters want to come out.
What happens when I beckon them?
Will you survive?
Will anyone survive?
Do you miss them?
Do you miss me?
They don't love you, as much as I do.
See that? They easily left you.
I will always be there for you.
But I wonder why you shy away from me?
Don't worry, I am always watching you as you sleep.
Who do you think makes your night terrors?
How delicious...

SHE is Watching ME...

Are you there?
Can you read me?
I am here.
I can read you.
I can see you.
I want you.

Forever watching, waiting, and drooling.

Love,

The demon in the corner of your eyes.

P.S. Your time is almost here...

An Idea for Valentine's Day

Even though the day has passed and gone, I have an interesting story about twisting the idea of Love. Somewhat morbid, but I really like this idea...

Finding Patience and Grace....

Rob Dougan's Nothing at All lyrics

i want to be still
i want to walk into your grave
where i can shelter in peace
until all our cares have blown away

let the whole world fall away
and fall into my arms
stay with me
i don't know how long we've got left
and so I'm asking you
to forgive me

i learn as i go
to float far away
into silence
and just watch your face
and find some kind of grace
in that quiet bliss

can i stay and say nothing at all, at all

where will we go when we get old
when the bustle and the noise
get too frightening
when each and every angry word
is banished to the past
that when i think

we'll learn as we go
to float far away
into silence
and I'll watch your face
and read of patience and grace
in each line there

work each day
all for nothing at all, at all
and the few words i say
they mean nothing at all at all

will you walk into the grave with me
will you leave this empty world
soft and wistful
to sink into the dark, dark earth
and never reappear would be blissful

to float far away
into eternal space
and God's silence
where I'll watch your face
and find patience and grace
in each line there

drift away into nothing at all at all
find the grace to be nothing at all at all
fade away and end up nothing at all
at all at all at all

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing at All is probably my most favorite song to date. After reading a little about marriage from several friends, I've come to realize, I don't understand much about the feeling of love. Is it lust, that I've felt all this time? Is this the warm feeling in my chest? I've am not new to lust, but it's a horrible feeling. Damn human reproductive systems. My uncle told me to deny it, is stupid. Well here I am being stupid. I rebuke my humanity. Only if I could.

On love, I don't know. A year or two ago, I thought I knew what it was, now that I think about it. I didn't. I believe it to be lust. I fell hard for this one young lady, but that dream ended abruptly. Such is life though.

Of course if you read on my previous recent blogs, I thought I fell hard for another young lady. Of course such is life, all things must come to an end. It was only after this, I realize, I don't know what love really is. Let me rephrase intimate love from another individual other than from friends and family.

My friend once told me, she wants to find someone like her, inexperienced and ignorant of love. She wants it to be a journey for both of them. She's right.

Maybe my journey will start later on in life, or who knows maybe not in this life time?

New Ending?

I've always been writing so many depressing entries, sometimes I wonder why can't I make something happy for once. But it's so hard. It disturbs me when I read what I have written. It annoys me also. It's easy to write a tragedy, for me anyway. Maybe my next entry will have a brighter ending.

We the Now Lost.

On December 29, 2009, 9:19 PM, another piece of my heart had died. Though, I am glad for her, because I knew I was holding her back from something nice, possibly even beautiful. So she has found another man, and he seems like a nice guy when I met him. Maybe they will journey through life together, but she will always have that once living piece of me. I've always thought she would be my light. My Virgil and Beatrice.
The one to guide me out of Darkness, Hell and Purgatory. I also thought perhaps we would enter Paradise together. Oh how foolish.

Sometimes, I wonder what happened? What did I do wrong? But I think I know the answer, but I kinda want some confirmation. Oh well life moves on.

Haha, I remember my uncle telling me never to spill my out guts to any girl, because they will lose interests and they think of you as clingy, and you might scare them away. And that's is what I exactly did! Perhaps that is why the way I am today. Never spill your guts out to anyone....

And my friend said that I was too truthful sometimes, and it's scary. Wow, telling truths can hurt!

The words of my uncle are now haunting me.

-The life of a warrior is a very lonely one. Because everyone fears you. They fear, what they don't understand. Only thing that is for sure for us, warriors, is death. Once you learn to understand it and accept it, you will embrace it.

Now, the last sentence, reminds me of my favorite phrases

"Death is the Road to Awe."

"Men know death is there fate, they just know not the hour."

"The only two things for certain life; change and death."

New Year; New Goals; New Body; New Way of Thinking? I doubt it....

This year, I made resolutions. I've decided this is the year, that I will try to get serious of my physical and mental health. To the best of my abilities, I will be starting my own physical training, and maybe some combat as well. I will be getting ready for the Army. I will also work a little harder at school as well, but I am starting to lose any patience for it.

I've quit making resolutions for finding, that "special" someone. I am letting God handle that department.

Lately I been wondering, what is God heading with my life? Or perhaps, What I am doing with it?