Finding Patience and Grace....

Rob Dougan's Nothing at All lyrics

i want to be still
i want to walk into your grave
where i can shelter in peace
until all our cares have blown away

let the whole world fall away
and fall into my arms
stay with me
i don't know how long we've got left
and so I'm asking you
to forgive me

i learn as i go
to float far away
into silence
and just watch your face
and find some kind of grace
in that quiet bliss

can i stay and say nothing at all, at all

where will we go when we get old
when the bustle and the noise
get too frightening
when each and every angry word
is banished to the past
that when i think

we'll learn as we go
to float far away
into silence
and I'll watch your face
and read of patience and grace
in each line there

work each day
all for nothing at all, at all
and the few words i say
they mean nothing at all at all

will you walk into the grave with me
will you leave this empty world
soft and wistful
to sink into the dark, dark earth
and never reappear would be blissful

to float far away
into eternal space
and God's silence
where I'll watch your face
and find patience and grace
in each line there

drift away into nothing at all at all
find the grace to be nothing at all at all
fade away and end up nothing at all
at all at all at all

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Nothing at All is probably my most favorite song to date. After reading a little about marriage from several friends, I've come to realize, I don't understand much about the feeling of love. Is it lust, that I've felt all this time? Is this the warm feeling in my chest? I've am not new to lust, but it's a horrible feeling. Damn human reproductive systems. My uncle told me to deny it, is stupid. Well here I am being stupid. I rebuke my humanity. Only if I could.

On love, I don't know. A year or two ago, I thought I knew what it was, now that I think about it. I didn't. I believe it to be lust. I fell hard for this one young lady, but that dream ended abruptly. Such is life though.

Of course if you read on my previous recent blogs, I thought I fell hard for another young lady. Of course such is life, all things must come to an end. It was only after this, I realize, I don't know what love really is. Let me rephrase intimate love from another individual other than from friends and family.

My friend once told me, she wants to find someone like her, inexperienced and ignorant of love. She wants it to be a journey for both of them. She's right.

Maybe my journey will start later on in life, or who knows maybe not in this life time?

New Ending?

I've always been writing so many depressing entries, sometimes I wonder why can't I make something happy for once. But it's so hard. It disturbs me when I read what I have written. It annoys me also. It's easy to write a tragedy, for me anyway. Maybe my next entry will have a brighter ending.

We the Now Lost.

On December 29, 2009, 9:19 PM, another piece of my heart had died. Though, I am glad for her, because I knew I was holding her back from something nice, possibly even beautiful. So she has found another man, and he seems like a nice guy when I met him. Maybe they will journey through life together, but she will always have that once living piece of me. I've always thought she would be my light. My Virgil and Beatrice.
The one to guide me out of Darkness, Hell and Purgatory. I also thought perhaps we would enter Paradise together. Oh how foolish.

Sometimes, I wonder what happened? What did I do wrong? But I think I know the answer, but I kinda want some confirmation. Oh well life moves on.

Haha, I remember my uncle telling me never to spill my out guts to any girl, because they will lose interests and they think of you as clingy, and you might scare them away. And that's is what I exactly did! Perhaps that is why the way I am today. Never spill your guts out to anyone....

And my friend said that I was too truthful sometimes, and it's scary. Wow, telling truths can hurt!

The words of my uncle are now haunting me.

-The life of a warrior is a very lonely one. Because everyone fears you. They fear, what they don't understand. Only thing that is for sure for us, warriors, is death. Once you learn to understand it and accept it, you will embrace it.

Now, the last sentence, reminds me of my favorite phrases

"Death is the Road to Awe."

"Men know death is there fate, they just know not the hour."

"The only two things for certain life; change and death."

New Year; New Goals; New Body; New Way of Thinking? I doubt it....

This year, I made resolutions. I've decided this is the year, that I will try to get serious of my physical and mental health. To the best of my abilities, I will be starting my own physical training, and maybe some combat as well. I will be getting ready for the Army. I will also work a little harder at school as well, but I am starting to lose any patience for it.

I've quit making resolutions for finding, that "special" someone. I am letting God handle that department.

Lately I been wondering, what is God heading with my life? Or perhaps, What I am doing with it?