A friend has been going through some tough times. He just made a comment; wanting June 13th to arrive faster. That's when he ships out to boot camp. He feels there is nothing for him here anymore.
Truthfully I can't blame him, I feel there is nothing in the civilian life for me anymore. Of course I have family and friends, perhaps they are the reason I am still kicking. It's just that I am still somewhat stuck on my past relationship, and it's hard to let go. I am sure I will get over it. Everything will be okay, it always turns out that way. I've lost a lot of enthusiasm for life, I don't mean to sound suicidal at all. I just don't really care about a long life. Who wants to live forever? Wouldn't that be a curse? You see so many of your loved ones die, then you make new ones; then they die. The cycle continues forever until you somehow get utterly destroyed.
I always keep saying, I am going to start working out, but now I lost the motivation for it. But I am sure this feeling of lethargy will pass. But if it doesn't pass soon I will definitely be hitting the grinder. It just sucks to exercise alone. No motivation. But perhaps that's what I need to get used to.
I've been praying a lot lately, for God to remove my emotional attachment, peace, and for me to just finally let go.
I believe she is a sweet woman, she deserved better than me. I keep praying for her happiness. Truth be told I am not entirely what happened. She told me I was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to her; the 1st is her daughter. I was told it was nothing my fault. But truthfully, why would it end then? Can you truly lose the "feeling of love"? I wonder a lot, was it truly love she had for me? Or was it infatuation and... Well, never mind that.
I am glad we are friends, but I keep catching myself from calling her, "Love".
I wonder if she still wants to write me while I am in the Army? I somehow doubt it. It would be nice if she did, but it makes me wonder if she's ready for the days that the letter will never return? I've asked that about her before, she teared up.
Let me drop that subject.
Makes me wonder if she ever reads this? She said she would bookmark it, but who knows? Maybe this is a way I can convey my feelings to her. I hope she doesn't get pissed or feels... Well, I won't mention it. I hope one day she will tell me the whole truth, even though it might not be pleasant.
But you know this writing is very liberating. I am not sure if there is anyone that likes reading this garbage I write. I am sure they read this, and say, "This garbage is childish and annoying," and perhaps it is. But it kinda frees me.
The good old days, when Love was just from the family. And there was no feeling of being lost.
In a way, I've had it, I am bitter again. I sometimes just want to shout and shift blame to everyone I know, and tell them "Watch me fall."
Wow that was just childish.
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1 comment:
As much as I enjoy your poetic style, this was really a joy to read. I just love how it's a raw, truthful stream of consciousness.
I find that writing often helps. Even if "that someone" doesn't read it. Or no one reads it. Just feels good to put something down, release it from your being.. unburden yourself.
I do hope that you continue to find comfort in your writing and, of course, your friends. :)
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