Iter Itineris Superus Phasmatis Bonus Libri

Path of Growth

2011-11-08T14:16:00.001-08:00

At this point of my journey I am at the crossroads. There are many paths and I can only take one. There is a path that I find the most intriguing. The path is filled with much overgrown life. I cannot see what lies several meters ahead of me, but I can see at the distance and obstacles to reach the destination of this path. The reward seems minimal for the tasks to reach it. The path is filled with weeds that require hard work to weave and cut through. Then there is a large forrest of thorny vines that contain a poison called, "Hopelessness." I need much persistence to have any chance of passing through.

After the forest, there is a large bog, which I must wade through, requiring much focus or I will be drowned. After the bog I see what looks like a giant labyrinth made with confusing twists and turns, but with patience I know I can pass. Alas after labyrinth I see a band of thieves and muggers. I know with respect, understanding, and vigilance. They will allow me or even guide me to the path I must follow.

Finally what seems like the last task, I see a knight wearing a suit of armor made from mirrors, and a sword with a mirror polish. I must defeat him so I can have him as an ally in impossible times. For I know he is the only person I can depend on if no one else will come to my aid.

Now I must decide if I dare undergo this trial.

Days Gone Bye and Good Riddance

2011-11-08T13:38:00.001-08:00

I look back into past and I see good times and some not so good times. It is a shame that my bad memories stand out much more than my good. Especially ones that ruin a friendship or the thought of some that were once close. The past has taught me much of the path of life I am currently taking. I have someone very special in my life now and I am very happy. I pray that we will always be happy. She tells me that I am her world; to me she is mine. The question is, "If you could turn back time to change anything, would you?"

My answer is definitely not, although I know I made a lot of foolish mistakes in my life, I know without them I wouldn't be here with my dearest love. Although I have a lot of unanswered questions, I am glad it's over. Life has been a large roller coaster for me, but it's the best roller coaster I have ever been on. I am glad to have someone to hold my hand on this unpredictable ride. Thank you Sweetheart.

....Vinushka....Pt. II Red Snow

2011-09-07T03:35:00.000-07:00

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. -Psalm 23:4

God help me, I am dying... I am so afriad....

"Remember, my child, Even though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no evil, for I am with you. I am your rod and staff, they will comfort and protect you..."

My body anguished. I can't see a thing. The smoke is choking. All I could think about was her... I wish she could see me like this. Would she take pity on me now?

Light penetrated to my eyes. Everything is starting to clear up, now I just have to get out of the smoke. I slowly crept out of the rubble, and a chilling breeze wrapped around my body and wounds. Out of no where, it started to snow. I laid on the cold road staring at the falling snow from the heavens. I closed my eyes.

I found myself reliving last Christmas Eve. I tried to tell her that I would be okay and tried to make her see reason. I was leaving for the Army in a couple of weeks. My occupation was going to be the 75th Rangers Infantry, if I qualified. Alas I remembered her crying... Before I knew it she had me out of her house wailing, " I don't ever wanna see you again! He was right! You never loved me!"Slowly I opened my eyes. I found myself covered with snow. My body ached as I rose to my feet. I looked to the trees past the burning debris. I saw the girl's body still hanging there suspended by her piercings. Her face is now all mangled and stretched, but her dead eyes were fixed at where I laid. I scanned at the fiery wreckage, and saw the charred body of the monster that almost killed me. Then I saw my crosses laying close the inferno. I quickly went to retrieve my crosses, so I wouldn't get burned. As I picked up my crosses, I glanced at the charred carcass one more time, but this time I saw no head. The head was gone! I looked around quickly while holding my crosses and knife. I suddenly heard a something scramble towards me. I turned around and saw the disembodied head of the monster crawling towards me with arachnid-like legs attached to the spinal cord. It's mouth gnashed it's teeth. It's eyes wild with anger spouting bloody tears, and mouth poured out blood.My instincts took over, as the creature drew close, I punted it's vile being back into the wreckage. A loud shrill of anger and pain came from the flames. The head writhed in the blazing wreckage. Suddenly it sprung out of the flames sailing towards me. I swung my blade in straight vertical line while ducking. Next thing I heard were two plops on the ground. I looked at was was behind me. Two halves of the head; severed by my blade. I plunged the blade into the snow, and pulled blade from the snow slowly. The blade was cleansed of the creature's blood leaving a spot of red snow.

Love Before the Final Day.

2011-08-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

What can I say? So much has happened to me this month. So much more than I expected. So many first time experiences have happened. It's been a very long time since I prayed to God, and for that I am ashamed.This month I was able polish off some rust collected on my warrior skills. I have dusted off my archery skills and polished my skills with the sword. Unfortunately I am still very much a novice in both aspects. But what I have really been lacking at is my self-discipline, motivation, and willpower. I am suppose to ready myself for the Army, but I have not the motivation to train myself. Perhaps I will soon.But the best of all that has happened all this month that I have found someone to share my love with once again. Our meeting was a very casual ordeal. But our bonding was the most interesting. I am fascinated that I didn't scare her away. But truthfully I wonder what was it that set off the flame in our hearts?I never thought I would end up here, but this is a good thing. It's funny how everything seems to change once you find that one thing you have wished for in your entire life. What can be said about love that has not been said?Let's see what next month brings forth....

A Chance to Be at the Calm

2011-07-17T03:56:00.000-07:00

Think light not dark, that's what she told me.
Let my mind orchestrate a masterpiece,
With optimism as the maestro,
The clacking of the keyboard and scratching of the pencils and pens; the instruments.
Let the words that are printed and engraved on paper be the notes,
And finally, wherever I take you... The symphony.
Time to try touching on something merry.
Enough tragedies for now.
Let's bring in the happy ending.

Talentless

2011-07-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

"To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away." Matthew 25:15

Lately I been trying studying for the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB). Apparently I need to retest because the past two times I tested, I still didn't score high enough to qualify for the 75th Rangers. Now the ASVAB is pretty much a knowledge based test and is not very difficult at all. But what frustrates me is that for the past two times I was very confident I scored very well. It's like one of those things you thought you were a natural at. I felt very confident at the answers I chose and I thought I was set to almost any career I wanted in the ARMY. Well test scores came and I scored, to my standards, a very disappointing score. Now I scored above average. So my score was actually pretty decent. But I was hoping for more.
Well my latest score is a 61, and my GT score was 104. I need to raise my GT score to at least 110. So here goes my rant:

You know people who are naturally born with a sort of talent. Something that they pick up almost instantly. Well I am not one of those people. I wasn't blessed with a talent. Everything that I seem to have some form of competence in, I had to work on it. I worked hard, but it was fun. Things I liked, I did what I had to do to gain a bit of skill in it. But as I grew I found I wasn't the best at anything anymore. What I worked so much in was meaningless. So I have become humbled by all the "enlightening" lesson of life.

"There is always a bigger fish," I have remembered that phrase for the past 12 years. But sometimes I just want to say to myself, "Can't I, at least, be the biggest fish for this one thing?"

But maybe this is the best way in life. Not having anything given to you, but you have to work to get what you want? Maybe this will make me the better one in the end.

Nonetheless, starting with nothing is very frustrating and seemingly unfair, but perhaps the reward is worth all the labor.

But what really doesn't help is that I have developed a sense of lethargy and indifference for life. But maybe I can somehow over come this. Alas I have no solution how to.

I am slightly envious of my sister though, she just studies like it's nothing. I find it frustrating to redo something, I already thought I did right the first time.

A Place to Remember You Bye

2011-07-08T01:48:00.000-07:00

Hear I sit on this bridge, watching the sun set, remembering that time we watched the sun set together for the 1st time...
I wonder, how many suns did set while we were together?
Watching this sun set makes my heart ache.
I continue to crossing this bridge.
This magnificent world seems now somewhat bleak.
People crowd this "paradise"
Where did these people come from?
I never saw so many.

I walk to the massive doors.
Alas they won't open for me like before...
With all my might I push against these giant guardians of love.
Slowly they creak open for me.
The songs they play... Are so beautiful.
Such as before.

I walk to the darkest corner of this great hall and I see the center.
I remember how we danced.
Now there are two lovers dancing their night away.
No one seems to notice them.

I wonder do you ever think about us?

Palace of Love

2011-07-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

I am here now wandering through this memory.
The palace of where you 1st said you loved me.
It was once upon a time, you told me to close my eyes,
I felt your hands covering my eyes and I felt a pull at my soul.
I felt your hands lift and I opened my eyes,
I was surrounded by pillars embroidered with Nature.
Autumn was the setting.
All around laid leaves of gold, some being blown away by the wind.
I look up I see the great palace made of gold, nature, and relentless beauty.
You took my trembling hands and guided me deeper into this magnificent world.
This world where Man and Nature were in love.
We crossed a bridge of ivory, which was white as snow, supported by gold and nature.
You stopped and told me to sit here,
This very spot, where my feet dangled out of the bridge.
"Look at the setting sun..." You said.
As I watched, I felt like something was pulling at my heart.
You took my hand and pulled ever so gently signaling for me to get up.
You lead the way...
And I loved it.
Your hands were so warm, so very soft.
Your beautiful dress made you look so ever amazing.
"What is this feeling?" I thought to myself.
Two stair wells lead up to the massive golden doors.
We said at the same time, "Meet you half-way."
We chuckled and raced up the stairs.
This climb felt like a quest for great treasure.
I heard an orchestra play as I reached you.
You were the prize...
And I loved it.
You reached for my hand when we met.
As you held my hand, the doors instantly opened for us.
A great hall lit by diamond lights...
People dancing!
People happy!
Your face gave an aura of such indescribable beauty.
We walked hand and hand to the center of the hall.
The whole party seemed to be waiting for us.
All eyes on us as we reached the center.
Instantly we danced a glorious dance.
I knew what this feeling was!
Love.
Our dance was seen by all.
Amazement in their eyes.
This is what "true love" is!
You whispered these words to me...
"Ever since I laid eyes on you, I knew you were special, it's taken a while for me to say this, but I love you."
Hearing those words set my soul on fire.
You kissed me, and the great hall roared with cheer and joy.
"This is my destined one." I thought.

She was my world.

Life In My Arms

2011-07-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

Well, as strange as it sounds, I want children. I always have.
As I was looking through one of my friends pictures of her children, I was reminded about my wishes to have children.
But the certain is pretty uncertain.
I will be in the Army, and if all goes to plan, then it's very likely I will face some combat tours.
This reminds me of a quote from the movie "Major Payne"

“I always figured if the Marines had wanted me to have a wife they’d a issued me one.”

It gives me a chuckle to hear that, but to me that sounds about right. I figure that I will be too caught up in the theater of combat, I will have no time to search for "true" love. But perhaps it will find me instead.... Then again love finding me didn't work out too well last time. But there are always 2nd chances.

There I go ranting about something off topic.
Having a child would be nice. Although it will be very challenging to raise a child, I am sure the reward is worth the hardships.

Hard to Look At....

2011-06-14T01:28:00.000-07:00

This is me trying to make rhyming poem.

Come, let's see the fall.
See how the masses think their love is without flaw?
Holding hands everywhere, the park, the restaurants, the mall.
Until one day something cripples their "love" into a crawl.
In the end the lovers part ways and have a bawl.

I see my friend's love come to an end.
Wishing there was blessing I can send.
It's hard to look at....
Alone in the dark he sat.
The was scene was familiar.

An angel hath told me his love, and the end of it.

"Little things used to mean so much to Shelly - I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial." - Eric Draven.

This is me giving up on rhyming. When I rhyme it's cheesy.

It makes me wonder if things would have been different, if I had payed attention to the small things?
Maybe she would have stayed.
Maybe she was right, we had too many different interests.
She loved cloths, I loved battle.
She loved materialism, I loved spiritualism.
Hers was making love and vanity.
Mine was piety and purity.
She saw the finer details of life, I saw the whole picture.
She wanted physical gratification, I wanted spiritual.
In the end, I didn't meet her needs.
I never returned what she wanted to give me.
My fault.

Why the hell am I bringing this up again?

Materialistic? Me?

2011-06-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

So the deal is I bought me some new tools to work with. I am quite excited to receive them. This, however, reminds me of a customer I had on Friday evening. He told me about somebody winning the Powerball Lottery, he said he would have loved to have that money. It was something like 200 Million dollars. I thought about what money would mean to me. To me, money is the key to luxury. It makes life easier, but I know it's not a real necessity. It's a given I would use the money to help my family and friends. Then I would donate the majority to trusted charities, medical research programs, and missions. Then whatever was left over I would spend on some of my wants and save the rest.

Now that I look back, I remember all money spend the toys and action figures spent on me when I was young. Then I remember weapons I have bought over the past few years. Now I think, was it all necessary? Some people might say, "If didn't have those things on you, then you just wouldn't be Chih."

Now that really has me thinking... Am I a materialistic person? Do these tools make me who I am? Do people know me by them? I also remember one of my classmates in my Journey to Careers class. We didn't talk much at all, then one day she asks me about my knives. I was shocked she knew something like that about me. She mentioned some guys who talked how great I was with a knife. How I was a good knife fighter and I can do all those fancy tricks. In reality, I know my way around a knife, but I am far from an experienced knife fighter. Hell, I even cut myself recently with one of my blades. And I don't know any tricks with knives. I just know how to fix and rig some blades. One more thing, I didn't even know these guys who bragged about me.

So if you take away all my tools then who would I be?

Who is Chih? Am I a materialistic person?

My... Melted Snow

2011-05-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

"In last year's final days of snow, steadfast promises were made
I remember them as the snow melts and spills out of my hands" ~ Dir en grey - ain't afraid to die

These "steadfast" promises, like the snow, melted away.
All traces of the promises were slowly evaporated or consumed by the earth.
Desperately I tried to save what was left. All in vain.
With a broken spirit, I collapse on the ground.
I stared up to the heavens, and I see bits snow drifting down slowly.
With an outstretched hand I tried to reach for at least a little flake.
Even that I was denied.

Then I heard laughter, I turned my head.
At the distance, I see a woman and a man.
This woman! My...
I reached out for her, hoping she would see me. And come back to me.
Then the man pulled a box from his pocket.
The box began to glitter as he opened it...
In it was a promise.
Her face lighted up with awe.
The promises made to her was everything she wanted.
"You're my world, you make me complete...." she said.
Then in a matter of seconds, I saw their life unfolding before me.

Together they were happy, had children, raised these children, then these children had children.
I watched My... and that man grow old. Then they both laid in bed, closed their eyes together and died together.

Is it fair?
It wasn't meant to be.
Good for you My...

Fair Redemption

2011-05-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

As I teetered at the edge of my faith, I remembered...
Your eyes, indigo.
Your skin, soft and warm.
I thought back to the day we become one.
I stared at this tungsten carbide band on my hand.
I saw your face. Smiling, crying tears of joy.
Oh how I wish to be with you.
As I leaned forward, a gale of wind blew me back.
I fell back ever so slowly...
I closed my eyes, crying, thinking how could I have failed?
Suddenly I heard your voice.
I opened my eyes and I saw you!
You were as bright as the sun!
You came down to me...
Telling me these words, "Angels descending, bring from above, echos of mercy and whispers of love. Live and know that I will always be watching over you."
Amazing Grace...
I love you.
I no longer felt the sharp sting in my chest.
I felt lighter, no longer was the weight of guilt on me.
I am free.
Thank you...
I'll see you soon my love, but I will live for you.

Is It Fair?

2011-04-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

As I climb these stairs, I start to wonder.
Why am I thinking of you?
I find myself thinking about life's meaning, since you are gone now.
It's been 30 years, 8 months, and 3 days, since we had our first kiss.
Back when you were still alive these little details didn't matter to me.
Look at me now; counting every second I live without you.
It's been 7 years, 8 months, and 1 day.
I find myself on the edge.
I close my eyes and face where the sun once was.
There are storm clouds blotting out the sun...
I suddenly cannot even remember the color of your eyes or the warmth of your touch.
Despair is in the sky.
I now ask myself....
Is there a God?
If there is, how can he let this happen?
Is there a Hell?
Then why do I not care?
Just one last step...
Thunder, lightening, wind tear through this city now...
I've turn my face against the wind.
Take me away, I want to go.
I've learned to lose.

The Whys And Hows

2011-04-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today we reopen the old wounds
To discover the whys and hows.
We slice apart the bandages so tightly wrapped.
Let's rip apart the stitches.
Rip and rip, listen to the howls.
We see the flowing blood, so dark it's practically black.
We see the mangled flesh, so ruined it's beautiful.
We pick and prod, the wound seems to weep the ebony.
We read it's history.
We listened to it's suffering.
We see the why and how.
Now we see the one's that have inflicted it.

A Matter of Trust

2011-03-25T19:36:00.001-07:00

People need to learn that trust can't be easily won back. When you lie and break promises; it's like backstabbing. Sure you can be nice, sweet, caring, and pretend as if nothing has happened. But words won't do you any good. To me it's a mask, because I've already seen your true colors, and I know what you are capable of doing. You need to prove to me you want my trust back. TRUST me when I say, "This hurts me more than it hurts you."

The Way of a Soldat

2011-03-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

What can I say after it was done? Like everything you had was gone now.
Until death do us part? It never happened.

"Everything (Love) is black and white again. There is no turning back now. We have reached a time when people have a need for each other... When people have been taught to feel their desire and their doubts... We have reached an age when love is the question and the answer." - (Edited & Paraphrased by me)~ Luv Sic Pt. 3 (Extended) - Nujabes ft. Shing02.

"It's very hard to find someone willing to see your guts fall out, and then still be there for you in the way that you need them." -Meemee Koe

In the end, all things come into full circle.

Ironic Foreshadowing? Too Much Information? Did I Just Read Myself?

2011-03-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

This was the last love song she sent to me. When I read the lyrics to this song. I feel like she was trying to convey something to me. I have mixed feelings about the song. I love the song and all. But I struggle with it because of her. Haha perhaps I am reading to much into this. Yes everything heals with time. I think I am getting stronger. Of course I still hurt when I see her or hear from her. Like whenever I got texts from her last week, I suddenly felt shocked and at pain. I remember I couldn't concentrate and my stomach really started to hurt. I just wanted to go home then.

Friends do make everything better though. There's a lot I wish to say and stuff, I want someone to listen and vent to. But perhaps this is the best way. So I don't annoy that someone. Then again, who knows? Perhaps it's best to keep personal things; personal.

I also realized a while back my entries coincide with my emotions and personal life.
I realized that whenever I am depressed, I, of course write about depressing stuff, but that's not it. I tend to put out more entries. I MAKE time to write, because I usually don't have the time. This brings back memories of the Myspace days during my high school freshman year. Also my style writing is that of the romantics. Very interesting.

It's Really Time to Let Go, So Watch Me Fall.

2011-03-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

A friend has been going through some tough times. He just made a comment; wanting June 13th to arrive faster. That's when he ships out to boot camp. He feels there is nothing for him here anymore.
Truthfully I can't blame him, I feel there is nothing in the civilian life for me anymore. Of course I have family and friends, perhaps they are the reason I am still kicking. It's just that I am still somewhat stuck on my past relationship, and it's hard to let go. I am sure I will get over it. Everything will be okay, it always turns out that way. I've lost a lot of enthusiasm for life, I don't mean to sound suicidal at all. I just don't really care about a long life. Who wants to live forever? Wouldn't that be a curse? You see so many of your loved ones die, then you make new ones; then they die. The cycle continues forever until you somehow get utterly destroyed.
I always keep saying, I am going to start working out, but now I lost the motivation for it. But I am sure this feeling of lethargy will pass. But if it doesn't pass soon I will definitely be hitting the grinder. It just sucks to exercise alone. No motivation. But perhaps that's what I need to get used to.
I've been praying a lot lately, for God to remove my emotional attachment, peace, and for me to just finally let go.
I believe she is a sweet woman, she deserved better than me. I keep praying for her happiness. Truth be told I am not entirely what happened. She told me I was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to her; the 1st is her daughter. I was told it was nothing my fault. But truthfully, why would it end then? Can you truly lose the "feeling of love"? I wonder a lot, was it truly love she had for me? Or was it infatuation and... Well, never mind that.
I am glad we are friends, but I keep catching myself from calling her, "Love".
I wonder if she still wants to write me while I am in the Army? I somehow doubt it. It would be nice if she did, but it makes me wonder if she's ready for the days that the letter will never return? I've asked that about her before, she teared up.
Let me drop that subject.
Makes me wonder if she ever reads this? She said she would bookmark it, but who knows? Maybe this is a way I can convey my feelings to her. I hope she doesn't get pissed or feels... Well, I won't mention it. I hope one day she will tell me the whole truth, even though it might not be pleasant.
But you know this writing is very liberating. I am not sure if there is anyone that likes reading this garbage I write. I am sure they read this, and say, "This garbage is childish and annoying," and perhaps it is. But it kinda frees me.
The good old days, when Love was just from the family. And there was no feeling of being lost.
In a way, I've had it, I am bitter again. I sometimes just want to shout and shift blame to everyone I know, and tell them "Watch me fall."
Wow that was just childish.

Plastic Lines Bought Us Back

2011-03-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

The curtain of silence has been lifted.
But we are no longer the same.
There is no more intimate love.
We are bought back together as friends.
But deep inside of me, I still love you.
My heart is still heavy.
I wonder if you feel it too?
Plastic; it was what made us one.
The other men you now "Love" I hope you are happy.
In time I will return to peace.
I just wished I knew you were lying to me.

Moving On

2011-03-01T03:30:00.000-08:00

Finding out that you found someone other than me really destroyed me.
I wished you would have told me.
Isn't that what friends do?
Didn't you want to be friends?
Alas, I am glad you are happy and complete now.
I am sorry I didn't do either of those for you.
Did you lie, when you said I did?
What happened?

In the end, you are happy, that is all that matters.

I am now taking inventory. Contemplation....

Now I know that your love for me was never love. Just infatuation.
I loved you... And I still do... But now I am letting you go.
Time for me to grow up.
I've been immature about these feelings.
But I never let them get the best of me.
They are now festering inside my soul.

I pray for your happiness.
I know Christianity isn't your thing, but please pray for my peace.
You owe me that much.

My arms are still opened to you.
No matter what, you will always be a friend.

Seethe Undying Memory of Love

2011-02-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

Remembering the ones that I held close to my heart.
My beloved, I trusted her, because she saved my life not just once.
Whenever my beloved left me, so did our adopted and unborn child.
She wanted no child to hinder her desires.
For the unborn child, she faded away as if she was never existed.
I told the poor adopted child I would always be with her and I wouldn't abandon her.
During the night, as I slept, my beloved little girl ran away, and found a new father.
I suppose it was for the best.
I wept and beckoned to the Almighty, "Why?"
Finally, I was smote with fatigue and terrible pains to the heart.
Maybe God has finally had enough of my wailing.
I found myself curled up and hugging my pillow for comfort.
The pillow used to represent... Now it's just a lifeless sack of fabric.
I used to look forward to sleeping...
Because I always felt we could meet in a plane higher than of this material one.
Now when I sleep, it's so cold, dark, and full of monsters.
You aren't there to protect me anymore.
I wander the dreams alone now.
To fade away would be a blessing.
I know my unborn child is in the Heavens waiting for me.
I sleep again, praying I may not wake up.

What the Hell Are You Doing to Yourself?

2011-02-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

Going back to memories of my second life.
Thinking of ending so many things.
Contemplation of the end can be....
So very liberating.
With a click of some buttons it can be all over.
A single leap to from...

What the hell are you thinking?

The Easy Thing to Do Now Is Cry

2011-02-19T18:46:00.001-08:00

We came back as one.
We loved each other, or I thought we did.
I thought we were happy again.

You said your love for me was now gone.
You said you where sorry.
Sorry for breaking the promise.
You hated hurting me.

It'll be okay.

Plain and simple.
It'll be okay. I still love you.
Yes, I desire you to be my friend.
If you are reading this, now you know my answer.
Don't feel guilty. It'll be okay.

I will leave you alone as you wish.
I always have open arms. Whenever you are ready, I am too.

Take care, and be safe.

What Happened to Our Vows?

2011-02-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

I never thought it would happen. Especially the way it did.
Then again, it was foolish of me to think like that.
I always said I was naive and it turned out I was right after all.
But why did it end this way?
What happened until death do us part?
What happened to the Love that will surpass even death...?
What happened to my light?
The light that would have guided me out of the dark?
I even gave you what was precious to me.
I gave you.... Never mind.
Truth is, I made sacrifices for you, and alas you did so much too.
You gave up our unborn child, but for what?
You said you were holding me back from happiness, but every moment I spent with you...
I was free, I had my wings, I swear I could fly.
In the real world, no other girl would have given me a second glance.
Because of my looks. It hurts.
Not allowing me a chance to love or to be loved.
But you...
You gave me something I never was given.
That chance to love. That chance to be loved.
I had so much to give; it burdened me.
Then when you came and took the weight off my body...
Now I feel as if you took too much and crashed...
I blame myself...
Forgive me, My... It can't be said.
My heart weighs heavy for you.
Now I wonder, was it because of the look that I donned to hide my true skin?
Was the only reason you chose to give into me was because of the shell?
I want to let you go.... But I can't.
I slept with tears that night.
No more, "Kisses and Embraces <3" or, "See You Soon."
Just, "Take care.... and sweet dreams."

Double Lives

2011-01-09T17:31:00.000-08:00

Secrets known, secrets unknown, ask and you may get truth or a half penny. The judgment of the world is often harsh. Pity
Every night I say, "See you soon," Because I want to see you in my dreams.
"Kisses and Embraces," because you are the angel I've been waiting for...
"<3" Because you have my heart.
"My dear, my love, my sweet, my angel," you are all.
As simple as these texts are, they hold so true about how I feel about you.
I don't want to lose you, but time is not our friend. If only we can sleep and dream of our love.
If only our second life was our first life.
We can fly with our wings spread wide and soar high, into the morning glory.
We would dance all night in the moonlight, in that wonderful palace of gold and splendor.
My 19th year plus 1 day, we will become one.
See you soon.
Kisses and Embraces.
<3
I love you. Always.

My Vows (quick and dirty version)

2010-12-02T14:20:00.000-08:00

My dear, Love.
Today is the reason the Heavens have allowed you to fall.
You are a fallen angel.
But you are my angel.
And the Heavens have blessed me with you.
With your wings of glory, I want you to journey with me to find True Happiness.
I, __________, promise to take you, __________, to forever be my bride.
I will be at your side, even past the day the minute hands stop running their spirals.
In you, I am finally free.
This I swear to you...
I will watch over you.
I will protect you.
I will hold you.
Love you.
No matter our distance.
You will always be in my heart.
In our love, I pray, we will be the beacon of hope to all others.
The Heavens have given us their blessings and the world have rejoiced in our love.
But if the world shall rebuke us, then we shall face it together.

My Dreams, They've Got to Kiss, Because I Don't Get Sleep, No..

2010-10-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been sleeping on this black leather click-clack sofa. My mother tells me I shouldn't be sleeping on it, because it has bad Feng-Shui. Apparently because the door entrance has direct view of the sofa. I guess the door is a gate way for supernatural beings and powers to channel through. Nonetheless I've been getting sooo many dreams because of this sofa and "Feng-Shui."

Maybe I should experiment on this more?

So, about two weeks ago, I dreamed I was at Basic Training in some military force. I was with a friend who has his life set on being a Marine. Funny thing is I am set on being in the Army. Anyway we were both training and next thing I know we are both in one of the Middle-Eastern countries. We were shooting our rifles, side by side, into a plume of smoke. Then a land mine exploded right between us. We both were still standing like nothing had happened. We just kept shooting. Then we both noticed we were bleeding like rain. But we just kept fighting. Then a legion of nights came charging at me. I killed a few with my rifle and picked up one of their swords. With my left hand I used my rifle and with my right hand I decapitated a few of my foes.

This past Saturday, I dreamed I was on a bed laying down waiting for someone. A woman with black hair with large streaks of blond walked in, dressed all provocative. I got on bed and next thing I know I was strapped to a chair in an interrogating room. The woman was pouring buckets of water over me.

The next day, I was in bed with the same woman. At least I think it was her. We were in love and did the what a married couple would usually do on their honey moon. I ran my finger down her back. Her skin was so indescribably soft and smooth. I actually think I felt a hint of what love really is. I only wished I could have seen her face. Her long beautiful hair was concealing it. Then my alarm clock rang.

After shutting off the alarm, I went back to bed. And I dreamed about being in a large college, looking a couple that I called, "My Two Woes." The halls were crowded, but I continued to look for them. I had a friend who I couldn't make out, who accompanied me. I kept saying to my friend, "I am looking for My Two Woes."
Then I got a tap from my shoulder, and it was them, the Two Woes. They were girls I actually knew in real life. I sang one of their names and gave her a big hug. Then I was greeted by an another alarm.

Wow ,You Move On Fast.

2010-09-27T21:07:00.001-07:00

Yeah after looking at our old photos, not on Facebook. I realized how fast you moved to another man. That's alright, I hope you're happy though.

My friend was right. Most, if not all of you are just succubi. Beautiful monsters.

Mixed Signals

2010-09-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand what signs and signals you ladies are trying to send.
One day you tell me you love me because the way I am, the next you tell me, you would never date me. Supposedly when a girl is about to leave you for another man, you are suppose to hold on to her tighter??? What about if I truly love you, I will let you go? And I see you sooo much happier with the other guy than me. So isn't letting go a good thing? Then you come tell me I am suppose to hold on to you. Why should I do such a thing, when you are wanting to leave me anyway? The reason I let you go is because I am looking out for your happiness! Not because I am indifferent. I really do care and it really really hurts every time I see you!
Bleh, this is just a reflection of the past 4 years. I've seen so many movies with the same same old cliche love situations. It seems like girls try to go for that kinda situations, but whenever I try to provide that exact fantasy, I am told that I need a reality check. Ah teenage angst and hormones. I can't wait to be rid of them.

This is also the reason I stay up so late.

2010-08-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

I struggled to sleep Friday night. So I just decided to lie as still as I could. That seemed to do the trick. Next thing I knew, I thought I awoken. I could see everything, but I was paralyzed. I couldn't move at all. I knew it must have been one of my Sleep Paralysis episodes. Of course I had the usual symptoms, hearing frightening noises, difficulty breathing, and seeing very frightening hallucinations. So what ensued in this episode was as frightening as my very first.
The first thing I noticed was the awkward position I was sleeping in. I was all contorted. From waist down, I was completely laid flat, but my upper torso was turned to the side. This has gotta be bad for my spine, but of course, I couldn't move. Then I started to hear white noise and static. Eventually the static turned to moans of pain and pleasure. Eventually blood curdling screams, overlapped the moans. I think my subconscious must have re-opened my audio memory from that Suicide Mouse video. Yeah I was scared.
Next, I saw strange floating objects, they moved a little closer. They started to smell and drip. Then I saw what they really were. Floating decaying decapitated heads. It seemed all the heads were ripped off their bodies very violently. Some heads still has their spinal cord attached. Predator? Well not long after their bodies rose up from the floor. All them pointed at me and started to stagger towards me like zombies. Then the heads opened their eyes and mouth, and started to chatter or grind their teeth.
Next thing I know they disappeared into the shadows. Suddenly I felt as if I couldn't breath at all. When I went to look at my body, I was then completely laying flat. On my chest there was an older woman sitting on it. She smelled like tar and coal. Her hair was black, but it seemed to snaked down her body. Of course she was naked. I don't really wanna describe what her body looked like, all I'll say it had maggots crawling and squirming all over it. I really didn't know what language she spoke, but I just knew it was about my body. She started stroking my head, neck, and chest. Then she groped my chest. This was when I really struggled to move. Of course nothing worked. Out of no where I woke up.

Please No More

2010-08-09T00:34:00.000-07:00

I just don't want to go back.
I don't want to see those tears.
Your lamentations just destroy me.
The words, "I Love you," written in your own blood.
Why? Please tell me! Why did I do this to you?
I can't take back what I've done.
I can't take back anything.

So...?

2010-07-28T00:56:00.000-07:00

This month has been baffling. So many unanswered questions. So little time to ponder. In a way I am losing my head. I haven't been thinking clearly. I haven't been aware, vigilant, and my reactions have been slow. Maybe it's due to the lack of sleep.

So I just recently finished the first season of my favorite anime. I am actually starting to resent the whole series now. It's making me bitter again. Maybe I should stop. It brings up so many hurtful emotions. Envy and bitterness being the strongest.

I am actually wondering if anyone is reading this? If anyone is, I wonder if they are thinking, "Oh great, this emo shit again?"

Maybe I am just not thinking straight.

Yeah I am losing it, what can you do about it?

Loose Ends

2010-07-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

So many unfinished stories. So where is my inspiration? Will I continue my series of the grisly murders? Or will I abandon the rituals? What every happened to the boy with three crosses? What every happened to my writing?

So many unsolved mysteries. Where is that suited slender figure? Is he stalking me? You? Did we see something we weren't supposed to? It was only last week I saw that circle. I wonder... I need to see it again...

There is less than a week to prepare for another change in my life. I have to thank you, if I haven't met you then I would have cut myself off from many. I am glad my friends didn't hangout with me that last night at the convention, or else I would have never met you. If you read this. I am not sure anymore. I always wanted to know how you were doing, but I guess I don't ask. No hard feelings, none taken from me. I am only now sorry that I was never there for you.

Requiem for a Monster, Pt. 1: The Dead are not Silent.

2010-06-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep. She was laying right next to me. I just couldn't stop thinking about her. She was amazing, her body was amazing. Her blond hair; sleek as silk. Her voice entrancing as a siren's. I just had to feel her hands once more. It was slimy and warm. Slowly my thoughts of her faded away as my eyes grew heavy. The warm radiance of her still warm body gave me comfort. I fell into a dream.
Darkness was everywhere. I ran back and forth, there seemed to be no end of it. Then as I turn my head, there was shadowy figure behind me. This shaded figure was dressed in a shady robe and hood. A small quiet voice came from this shade, "Why?" it asked. It was a woman. The she droned on the question. As I started to lose interest, her tone shifted, it sounded as if she was in despair.
"Why? Why??? Why?! Why?!!!" the hooded woman prayed. She then turned and screamed to me, "Why have you done this to me?!"
She removed her hood, and then she gouged out her eyes. She pulled a mirror from her shady robes and shattered it by repeatedly smashing her fists into it. Her hands were mutilated. She picked up ten small; blunt shards and shoved them each of them into her finger nails, and pried them. She then took larger; sharper shards and stabbed them through her cheeks, into her eye sockets, and through her eyes lids. She attempted to blink, and the shards of glass ripped a deeper gash on a her eye lids. She took the largest and last shard of the mirror, and then pierced her belly; and with it, she ripped stomach her chest and started to pull out her entrails. She then carved open her chest and snapped each ribs with her hand. She then stabbed the exposed heart. She slowly crawled to me and begged,"Only you can set me free! Please!" I felt a small urge to laugh.
I suddenly woke from the sun shining in my eyes. Only it was the reflection from the mirror shards in the woman's eyes. Ah, her hands were now crusty and cold. My bed was now caked in blood. I sighed a sigh disappointment. I proceeded into the bathroom and took out some bleach from the sink's cupboard. And I stared at the empty void where the mirror once was placed. I then turned my attention to the woman's naked corpse. I wrapped the entrails around her neck. I tried to move her arms and legs into, but rigor mortis had stiffened her body. With some force I moved her limbs into place. I enjoyed the cracking of limbs and bones as curled her body into a ball. I gently wrapped the corpse with a hefty bag. Then dragged the body to my basement door.

Beauty in Ruins

2010-05-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

The monster finally road out of town. The cathedral should be unwatched. I manage to slip myself into one of the cracks in the roof top and scale down using the belfry's chains. I check every corners for any restless souls and ghouls. It seemed that nature has reclaimed most of it's territory. The once glossy marble floor now covered in moss, and the once dynamic stained glass windows have been either shattered or removed from their panes by protruding tendrils of ivy. Alas there is no sign of any fiends. It seems that the ruined cathedral has kept it's purity.
I creep my way to organs and delicately brush the dust away from the keys. My fingers at the ready, I play, Requiem. Butterflies ascend from the pipes, they seems to be flying to the melody. How beautiful.

So Falls the Mask

2010-04-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

Finally, I face the emotion that my friend told me I would.
A great foe.
Anger, jealousy, wrath.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I need help.
I feel so lost.
It's has left a terrible taste in my mouth.
All I've done, does it matter?
Will someone tell me an answer?
All my hard work.
All my missed opportunities in the name of a "future."
Tomorrow I might be gone.
Tomorrow might never come for me.
Missed opportunities for, I don't know "love?"
I am just I don't know anymore.
I feel bitter.
Finally I feel an ounce of despair.

Ode to a Closing Chapter

2010-04-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

Good bye to ten months of my life.
Moments of happiness, there were.
Moments of sorrow, there were.
Ah! So much we have learned!
Rhetorical terms!
Time management!
Fancy words!
Intelligent words!
How to take multiple choice tests!
How to write an essay!
What makes our teacher tick!
And of course, we learned about each other.
My dear friends, although, I may not know all of you and I might not be your friend,
Just know you are mine.
These are ten months we all spent together.
In one classroom.
With one teacher.
Learning together.
Writing together.
And Laughing together.
I hope you all enjoyed the time we had together.
Many stories where told (including my traumatizing time at Crystal's).
Mrs. Leblanc, you have given us all priceless gifts.
Knowledge.
Inspiration.
Confidence.
And so much more.
I thank you.
Now I must say adieu.
And see you next fall.

Then This Will Be...

2010-04-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

As I walk in shadow of nature, I wonder what has become of you and me?
Distant and cold, all we do is exchange cold glances.
Small pokes here and there, but only on the world wide web.
As I leave for war, will you know about it?
I wonder will you think of me?
Will you be waiting for that one poke, that you've sent?
If I die, will you hear of it?
Will you help scatter my ashes?
If I come back broken and scarred, will you comfort me?
One day we will meet, you will gaze into my eyes, and I will meet yours.
Your face, filled with awe and regret.
I will ask you, "Do you remember me?"
I know I will remember you.
You will say,"Only some days and some nights."
Then this will be...

Do You Have the Patience for Me?

2010-04-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

Many say to never pray for patience.
Because it will bring much suffering.
I have prayed for patience since I've been saved.
Yes, many events have pushed me to insanity.
But now I have patience to see, observe, and understand you.
I know you have a low capacity for.
and I blame myself for the most part.
Because I was never there.
I had let you down so many times.
But sometimes, I wish you would have waited for me.
Because I waited for you.
Everyone tells me to be more assertive.
Maybe I should, but that's not me.

I Don't Know, Forgive the Me, Just Rambling.

2010-04-03T00:38:00.001-07:00

So Why do I speak the truth, when it scares or anger people? Do people REALLY want you to ever speak the truth? No one wants to hear the truth that hurts the ear. Even I am guilty. So once again truth is the only sure way freedom. Secrets and lies can only chain you? I am still chained up, I don't know why I never told anyone my secrets. I just don't know, I am just searching for that one person to share my life with. The most I've told one person was the only half of my life. Then I was in a way betrayed. But that's the past. All is forgiven, but never forgotten.

Thanks for this life, God. You taught me so much. You put me through so much. You've given me so much. You saved me so many times.

I guess the truth is, I will not reveal any truths about me again. If given the choice of life and death... I am sure you know the answer, God. So when would you like to pick me up on eagle's wings? Ready whenever you are, just give me patience and wisdom. Maybe If you could at least allow me to go away to another world and be you know who.... Well maybe it's not the best thing to do. But if you can give me some reason to well you know, then maybe, just maybe, I can bear more fruit. Right now I am weak. As much as I want to bear a lot of fruit, I just don't fully appreciate the truth yet. As much as I try, I feel empty. So one man, has told me just to let go. Let you, Lord, do all the work. Well alright, I'll submit, I'll take my coat of my life and give it to you.

Counting Days

2010-03-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

The day I join the army seems like far yet close future. Not sure if that made sense. I wonder if there will be anything that will change my plans for the army. Alas if nothing changes, then it's goodbye to everybody for 25 years, maybe longer. If I do happen to do my math right, I won't be getting out of the army until I am 45.
I wonder what will happen to everyone while I am gone? The things I will miss... Wedding's of friends? Seeing my friends' children? The funerals? So I suppose when I finally get out, I will find each one of friends. Give their children gifts, and place flowers on their graves. I will always remember my friends, but will they forget me? Will they make jokes about me, when they see a ninja movie? Will they remember me when they see another Asian boy with glasses? What if I die in the war? Will they place flowers on my memorial? As my fellow comrades hail the 21 Guns salute? Will they scatter my ashes?

Root of Sin

2010-03-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

In my work place, I see many demons.
I sell the demon Gluttony, and the costumers are devoured by it.
In trade for Gluttony, I am given Greed.
I carefully banish the demon into a cash register.
Then it is liberated only to buy more demons.
Every now and then, there is a human, who is is possessed by Pride.
This human openly display's the amount of Greed he has obtained.
Soon the demon lust is released, from another human seeing such wealth.
She removes her large jacket and steps forward to court the rich man.
She wears revealing shorts, and and extremely tight v-neck top.
It disgusts me, as I see those two later come out of the family bathroom together...
The woman's hair that once was sleek, now grimy.
The man's once sharp appearance, now ruined by an unfastened zipper.

Forever By My Side

2010-03-17T22:20:00.001-07:00

My angels what is it that you feel, when I sin before your eyes?
Do you despise what I have become?
Each time I sin, I nail a cross to your Lord and Master...
Do you wonder why I ever do such horrendous acts?
And still I know all of you by name.
Does that mean you are still with me?
Will you forgive me?
Can you forgive me?
Please don't ever leave me.
I want all of you to accompany me to my afterlife.
Either to pray with me in Heaven.
Or punish me in Hell.

I wonder.

2010-03-07T02:05:00.001-08:00

My love, why do you keep silent?
Why do you talk to me when you need me?
You know I am insecure.
Why do you torture me so?
You know I want your company.
I feel so alone.
Why do you silence up?

My angel, I do not mean to be mute.
The reason you don't hear from me, is because I care for you.
I see myself as a pest.
Please forgive me, my heart aches to know that I am hurting you.
My heart longs for your company and your love.
Everyday, I am silent, I suffer as well.
I only wish for what is best for you.
I ask for you forgiveness.
I love you.
Do you love me?

And I woke up, this was all a dream. She loves another and now I am alone.

She is Always There. Never.

2010-02-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

To think, that you said, goodbye.
But you never left.
I will wait and I will see what you do.
I can see your mind slipping away.
Your monsters want to come out.
What happens when I beckon them?
Will you survive?
Will anyone survive?
Do you miss them?
Do you miss me?
They don't love you, as much as I do.
See that? They easily left you.
I will always be there for you.
But I wonder why you shy away from me?
Don't worry, I am always watching you as you sleep.
Who do you think makes your night terrors?
How delicious...

SHE is Watching ME...

2010-02-17T21:37:00.001-08:00

Are you there?
Can you read me?
I am here.
I can read you.
I can see you.
I want you.

Forever watching, waiting, and drooling.

Love,

The demon in the corner of your eyes.

P.S. Your time is almost here...

An Idea for Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T17:00:00.001-08:00

Even though the day has passed and gone, I have an interesting story about twisting the idea of Love. Somewhat morbid, but I really like this idea...

Finding Patience and Grace....

2010-01-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

Rob Dougan's Nothing at All lyrics

i want to be still
i want to walk into your grave
where i can shelter in peace
until all our cares have blown away

let the whole world fall away
and fall into my arms
stay with me
i don't know how long we've got left
and so I'm asking you
to forgive me

i learn as i go
to float far away
into silence
and just watch your face
and find some kind of grace
in that quiet bliss

can i stay and say nothing at all, at all

where will we go when we get old
when the bustle and the noise
get too frightening
when each and every angry word
is banished to the past
that when i think

we'll learn as we go
to float far away
into silence
and I'll watch your face
and read of patience and grace
in each line there

work each day
all for nothing at all, at all
and the few words i say
they mean nothing at all at all

will you walk into the grave with me
will you leave this empty world
soft and wistful
to sink into the dark, dark earth
and never reappear would be blissful

to float far away
into eternal space
and God's silence
where I'll watch your face
and find patience and grace
in each line there

drift away into nothing at all at all
find the grace to be nothing at all at all
fade away and end up nothing at all
at all at all at all

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing at All is probably my most favorite song to date. After reading a little about marriage from several friends, I've come to realize, I don't understand much about the feeling of love. Is it lust, that I've felt all this time? Is this the warm feeling in my chest? I've am not new to lust, but it's a horrible feeling. Damn human reproductive systems. My uncle told me to deny it, is stupid. Well here I am being stupid. I rebuke my humanity. Only if I could.

On love, I don't know. A year or two ago, I thought I knew what it was, now that I think about it. I didn't. I believe it to be lust. I fell hard for this one young lady, but that dream ended abruptly. Such is life though.

Of course if you read on my previous recent blogs, I thought I fell hard for another young lady. Of course such is life, all things must come to an end. It was only after this, I realize, I don't know what love really is. Let me rephrase intimate love from another individual other than from friends and family.

My friend once told me, she wants to find someone like her, inexperienced and ignorant of love. She wants it to be a journey for both of them. She's right.

Maybe my journey will start later on in life, or who knows maybe not in this life time?

New Ending?

2010-01-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

I've always been writing so many depressing entries, sometimes I wonder why can't I make something happy for once. But it's so hard. It disturbs me when I read what I have written. It annoys me also. It's easy to write a tragedy, for me anyway. Maybe my next entry will have a brighter ending.

We the Now Lost.

2010-01-03T00:08:00.000-08:00

On December 29, 2009, 9:19 PM, another piece of my heart had died. Though, I am glad for her, because I knew I was holding her back from something nice, possibly even beautiful. So she has found another man, and he seems like a nice guy when I met him. Maybe they will journey through life together, but she will always have that once living piece of me. I've always thought she would be my light. My Virgil and Beatrice.
The one to guide me out of Darkness, Hell and Purgatory. I also thought perhaps we would enter Paradise together. Oh how foolish.

Sometimes, I wonder what happened? What did I do wrong? But I think I know the answer, but I kinda want some confirmation. Oh well life moves on.

Haha, I remember my uncle telling me never to spill my out guts to any girl, because they will lose interests and they think of you as clingy, and you might scare them away. And that's is what I exactly did! Perhaps that is why the way I am today. Never spill your guts out to anyone....

And my friend said that I was too truthful sometimes, and it's scary. Wow, telling truths can hurt!

The words of my uncle are now haunting me.

-The life of a warrior is a very lonely one. Because everyone fears you. They fear, what they don't understand. Only thing that is for sure for us, warriors, is death. Once you learn to understand it and accept it, you will embrace it.

Now, the last sentence, reminds me of my favorite phrases

"Death is the Road to Awe."

"Men know death is there fate, they just know not the hour."

"The only two things for certain life; change and death."

New Year; New Goals; New Body; New Way of Thinking? I doubt it....

2010-01-02T23:41:00.000-08:00

This year, I made resolutions. I've decided this is the year, that I will try to get serious of my physical and mental health. To the best of my abilities, I will be starting my own physical training, and maybe some combat as well. I will be getting ready for the Army. I will also work a little harder at school as well, but I am starting to lose any patience for it.

I've quit making resolutions for finding, that "special" someone. I am letting God handle that department.

Lately I been wondering, what is God heading with my life? Or perhaps, What I am doing with it?

We the Tired and Only

2009-12-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

I am tired of it all.
The physical world.
The work.
The monotony.
The people
The aching body.
The human limits.
The human emotions.
The secrets.
The feelings.
The lust...
I want to spread wings.
Alas I am just human.
With my heavy flesh and bone, may the will of God be done.

We the Mindless

2009-12-27T01:14:00.000-08:00

As I bleed out, I stare at my blood.
So I guess that makes me human?
I reflect more about my past and how they changed me to what I am today.
All my past friends.
All my current friends.
The breakups.
The rejections.
The hugs and kisses.
I see all this oozing down to the drain.
How beautiful is the color dripping from my nostrils.
The dark crimson.
The more I stare, the more I think.
I start thinking...
Eh why do I even care?
Why this?
Why that?
I stick a piece of tissue up my nose to dam the streams.
Eventually blood oozes down my throat, I starting hacking out the blood.
Damn, now I got two bloody T-shirts.

Will You Paint My Wings?

2009-11-27T01:39:00.000-08:00

Every time I stand to stretch.
I feel as if wings would rupture from my back.
I wish only it were true.
Maybe I can play away from here.
It's so cold.
Please tell me you see my wings.
Please tell me I am an angel.
Please tell me I am your angel.
I'll watch over you.
I'll protect you.
I'll hold you.
I'll love you.

The Beautiful Scar, and the Forged Iron Curtain.

2009-11-27T01:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight, lit by the moon's radiance, I stare into your eyes.
A piano and a violin, are heard in the air.
For many moons, you have played with my heartstrings.
I've always wondered, Have I ever played with yours?
With my wings open, I wanna hold you.
I wanna say will you hold me? Do you love me?
With your push away, you said no.
The angry face, I will never forget.
You put up the wall of pride.
You say you we were never even good friends.
Not even close.
I am a stranger.
You are never sorry.
You are never forgiving.
You are bitter.
You are cold.
I am cold.

Good Bye Forever.

2009-11-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

There is so much to say.
I don't blame you.
I know you don't understand.
It's my fault.
I've changed you, I've made you miserable.
For that, I hope you forgive me.
I want you to always be happy.
But maybe this was all my own illusion?
She has made it clear that we were never close.
We were not even good friends.
I don't know if you lied, just to be nice.
But from recent events, I believe you have.
You are a wonderful person.
You lied to save my life.
For that, I owe you my life.
But no I will not do that to you.
My presence tortures you.
I am keeping you from greatness.
I guess, I showered you with too much emotion and love.
I wish I never opened to you.
I am broken when, I am open.
As much as I was cautious to never suffocate you with my emotions, I believe I have.
I think now and laugh.
If you knew me as others do, I think we would never had anything.
All I want for you, is to be happy.
This pain in the back of my throat, this blurriness of vision, is all too familiar.
So for you to be happy and free, I now sever our bond.
Perhaps we were never meant to be.
Be free and live happily.
In this world of darkness, I thought you were my light.
In this world of madness, I thought you were my sanity.
In this world of imbalance, I thought you were my balance.
I looked to you to keep me sane, but now I am only deeper into insanity.
I hoped you would be my Virgil and Beatrice.
I prayed you would lead me out of Hell
I prayed you would lead me through Purgatory.
I dreamed of us entering Paradise together.
But no, I face Hell alone.
I face Repentance alone.
And I enter Paradise alone.
Again my throat throbs with pain.
Breathing hurts.
But my most of all my chest.
I hope you forget about me.
Because I know I can never forget you.
I keep your photograph, because I know it serves me well.
I wish I could steal away the pain, that I've given you.
I know you pushed me away.
Pushed me away and I have fallen.
I will always remember your smile and your words.
They will always cut me.
There is so much more I wish I could say, but I will refrain.
I hope you never read this.
I hope you never remember me.
Good bye forever, my love.

This is You, This is Me

2009-11-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

You sing the songs of Joy.
I sing the songs of Sorrow.
You dance with grace.
I fight with madness.
You paint a beautiful picture on the wall, with a brush.
I paint a gruesome picture on the wall, with a sword.
You write beautiful poems, love stories, and happy endings.
I write curses, harrowing stories, and tragedies.
You are benevolent.
I am malevolent.
You show mercy.
I show fury.
You are Angel.
I am Demon.
You are Beauty.
I am Beast.
You are life.
I am death.
You give breath.
I take breath.
You are love.
I am hate.

You hope one day, I will change and love you.
I await the day you destroy me, and in doing so; you destroy your dreams, and your reason to live.

In the end I win, you lose.

Rest for the Beautiful Mind

2009-11-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

Ah, go to sleep my dear.
Goodnight and sweet dreams.
Dream a wonderful dream.
Perhaps, when I sleep we can meet in the lucid dream?
We could have many great adventures.
Maybe I could sum up the courage to tell how I really feel about you?
Tell you all the things I want to tell you?

Ah the words of my uncle keep haunting my mind.
But that's another story.

I wish I could hold your silky hands.
I wish I could touch your beautiful lips with mine.
Ah, I can't say these words enough.... This annoys me.
Only if there was a way I could show my love, then perhaps....

Empty

2009-10-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

No more words.
No more voices.
No more happy inspirations.
Just a still quiet void.
No future.
No one to hold.
No one to love.
Oblivion is Fucking Nigh!
This emphemeral body...
Flesh and skin; soft, smooth, my bondage.
Bones and tendons; strong, hard, my bondage.
My organs are what keep me alive.
Shall I carve into them, No Future?
Are you there?
Hello, I am your Mind.
And I am your Future.
What do you want?!
Allow me and her, to lead you to the light.
No! Leave Alone!
Squeeze the hand, smoke and a loud thunderous voice resonates from it.
Crimson regret pouring from my head, splatters all over the empty void.
My Mind dismembered and ripped apart.
My Future, like the seeds of a dandelion, gone with the wind.
The end is fucking nigh....

Reflection is Nigh

2009-10-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Please don't pay no mind to this mindless ramble. Read if you wish, but I am sure this won't make sense to anyone, but to me and God.

I think back a couple months, and I wonder what happened? Some talks of joy and adventure never really happened. I guess that's nothing new. I think I scared away a something wonderful aswell. Maybe as I removed the mask, my ugliness scared her away. No more hellos. Maybe I have it all wrong. Friend is all. Dang, kinda heart breaking. I wonder, why even bother waste a breath? Was I something special? No, she told me, I was getting my hopes up. She just that nice. Now I think back to 7 months compared to now. She used to always used to say hi, no more.... No more... No more hugs. No more glances. No more flattery. Not even a smile. That is now.

Deadly sighs.... Oh deadly sighs. Seeing my breath is life seeing my soul drifting away. The air is cold, cold like my heart and how I feel. It isn't fair.... But the fair left town.

Why do I think of these silly things? Why do I beg for it now? Why Of all things, why this?
I want someone to hold my hands, I want someone to hold me, embrace me, hug me....
I want to hold someone who loves me, and just cry. Just cry.
Oh dang, now my eyes are all teary... Perhaps what I want isn't what she wants.
I want her to put their arms around me and give me a kiss.
Damn this drive for physical contact.... Welcome to the World of Men... Disgusting men.... But that's what I am. No, I am not a man, just a boy... Just a boy...

I kneel in the showers, eyes closed, arms crossed across my breasts, latching onto each shoulder and just muttering.... "somebody love me, somebody love me."
I just want to scream it. But no, family is near.

Oh God, here come the tears..... Only if I could rest, rest and never wake up....

I feel so alone and cold....

Dream of Beautiful Nightmares, Welcome to Hell.

2009-10-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

My lady you are beautiful.... Please take this rose. It glows with an aura, almost as bright as yours. Ah, tell me your name, please let me see your face. But I am deaf and blind to them. Why? Why am I forbidden?

Ah! My love! On this day, are we to be married? Even from behind, I can tell you are beautiful! Ah... I see and feel your aura, it is like that of an Angel's.... Such pure light.... Oh please let me see your face? I hold in my hand, the band that represents our promise. Till death do us part, they say. Ah your hair beautiful... But your face, I am blind to, once again....

My angel, I fight this war for you! My friends they are being killed right before my eyes. Please wait for me.... As I lay on sands, my visions blurs, All I can do is stare at your picture. I wipe my blood from your beautiful portrait.

My love where are you? Where have you gone? I have come back. The stories I have to tell you! My love? My love.....? All I see is a bloody dagger, on the ground, and a crying man and woman is all I hear. They say that their daughter has taken her own life. With that dagger, she slew her own heart. But to their daughter's name they cry out to, but I am deaf it it. Could it be that it is you...?

It's not right, it's not fair. I come to holy ground, where many loved ones are interred. But I see not other cenotaph, but yours. Dearly Beloved is all it says. But what is this? A rose... No.... Could it be? The rose of my confession? Why, it has grown! It's tenrils go deep.

Ah my dearly beloved... The tendrils they creep all over me.... Their thorns, cut me deep. Oh God! The darkness... My love save me, please save me...

I don't want to be in the dark. I don't want to be in the dark. I don't want to be in the dark....

I awake to see myself in this room. What is this place? It's empty. It's cold. It's a purgatory....? Wait! At a distance I see a somebody... Is it you my love? A bloody curdling scream resounds from with that person.

As I run towards that person. I see... I see... It is you! Why are you dressed in your wedding gown? Ah you are beautiful..... But I wish to see your face.... However you probably have cloaked it. No matter.... My love turn around and look at me! I am here. You fall in my arms with such grace.....

God be merciful! The dagger! But, crimson fluids they make you all the more beautiful.... But I cannot lose you again. Wait for me, my love!

Let us meet death together! For, Death is the Road to Awe!

As I plunge the cold blade into my heart.... I feel no pain, but everything turns to darkness. God! No! Not Now! Deliver us from this Oblivion!

My love you have risen! Though I cannot see your face! I see your eyes! Your hands..... Why do they unsheath the knife from my heart?

The Dearly beloved's face is now revealed. Her face crawled with maggots and worms. Her eyes bloody red from rage. Her flesh rotted to the bone. As soon she withdrew the dagger from the man's heart she quickly plunged it back into his body. Into his eyes, his throat, ripped out his tongue. A bloody scene.

All can be heard is the man's maniacal laughs and bloody curdling screams.

1st Stillness of Many Moons

2009-10-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

This week was awkwardly.... depressing. In a way it had it's fair share of events. But even with all that went on, it felt quiet. Too quiet. Let's see what i remembered from this week....

Monday woke up late around 8:16 AM. Missed 1st hour.... I think I had a deep conversation with Devin or maybe that was Tuesday....

Tuesday was the day I had a deep meaningful conversation with Devin? Or that was Monday... Ah yeah! I had to work after school for Glenn.... Got back home around 11:59 AM and got to bed around 1:35 AM.....

Wednesday worked in Coach Paulk's garden, someone stole over $200 at the garden. Had to miss a lot of 7th hour because of it. But Coach Paulk said a handful of the people who actually worked (me included), where excused from the interrogation. A Sheriff Deputy Unit quickly parked out of the Garden's gate. Probably just incase any of the suspects decided to run.... Later that evening I finished this weeks laundry and got my hair cut.

Thursday... nothing really just a few of Tiffany's buddies came to study, but all they really did was play around. Rushed to do all of this week's homework and Cram reading Scarlet Letter. I used SparkNotes instead... Oh I also learned about Slender Man.... Look him up... Or look for video's on YouTube series titled Entry.... Got to bed around 2:43 AM. I saw shadows moving in the ceiling again... Could it be Slender Man or bats from Hell? I think I am at my breaking point.

Friday, Life's a Beach....... Woke up around 8:16 AM. Freaking missed the Psychology Exam!!! At least Devin made me feel a little better. At Least I didn't have to work...

Even though this week had it's highs and extreme lows, it felt unusally still. I was kinda melancholy this whole week. I wanted to write something, but again, Writer's Block is powerful foe. This threw me into a deeper sea of sorrow, I started thinking of a dream I had a few years ago...

Sanctuary of the Meditative Mind

2009-08-31T15:56:00.001-07:00

My favorite place would have to be a place I call, “Valde Silva Insons Insontis Phasmatis.” In this spiritual forest, this is where I do most of my most meditative activities. From artistic thinking to self-reflecting, it is a forest of imagination and ideals. I place my most impassioned stories and feelings in here. I really feel most humble in this sanctuary. This forest is where I confide my sins to the Heavens, and ask for penance as well.
Imagine a forest only lit up by a single ray of celestial light that is given off by Heaven’s Light. And with trees with barks that luster of polished sterling silver. And with the leaves laced with silver, and purest shade of white. I call them serenity guardians. In the heart of the forest, lies a colossal serenity guardian tree named,” Yggdrasil.” Here the ray of light shines, and the light is reflected off the tree and lights up all the others. The tree stands tall above all the others. The pitch black floor is littered with leaves of Yggdrasil and all the other serenity guardians.
In the outer boundaries of the forest, the floor is black, but as you step toward the heart you will see the floor is littered with leaves of the trees. As you climb the roots of Yggdrasil, you will find a gaping cavern with gems never before seen by a single human, but me. And this is where you will find me. In times of high emotional stress, this is where I will be. This is my favorite place. This is my sanctuary.

Sanctuary in Words

2009-06-29T01:53:00.000-07:00

In this place I have my secrets.
In this place I have everything and nothing.
In this place I have peace and war.
In this place I can write out my emotions, and no one will know their meanings.
In this place I can express my love for someone.
In this place I can dance, I can sing, I can worship.
In this place I am free to be whatever or whoever I want to be.
In this place I am a monster, a stranger, a warrior, an angel.
In this place I am happy and sad.
In this place I dream.
In this place I rise and fall.

This place is my sanctuary, I am finally free. I am finally me.

Darkness Falls

2009-06-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

The darkness of 3 AM, the fan whiling above my head, the snoring of my family; they all make me feel all too human. I hit the play button on my Pandora Radio just to releave my nerves... I am greeted by Johann Pachelbel. Ah I remember the days when I had to dance to this song. It was ballet.... 3 monthes, of fun, but harassment from my family. Before I know it, the song fades away. A familar, wonderful piano melody starts, and I realize it as Glass Skin. The vocalist's voice sounds so gentle. Never has his voice been this gentle, but the lyrics as sorrowful as ever though. As the song nears it's end, I decide to choose my next song to play.... Ain't Afraid to Die, this is a nice choice. The song opens with a piano solo, and a soft quiet voice. It's about 3 in the morning. I place the song on constant repeat.... I hear the song for every bit of the beat and instruments. I decide maybe turning the song for constant repeat was not the best of the ideas... I decided to watch the music video....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsRFeeiJvUo

English Translation:
The way that I used to walk with you is gone
But still, I always walked with you, I wonder if I'll ever be able to meet
you
The snow falls gently on a hill
Even though I can't reach you, I understand
The flower in your room that you loved is now...
The day of last years final snow
The promises that were hard to exchange
When I remember them, they melt, and spill from my hands
The snow falls gently on a hill
Even though I can't reach you, I understand
The flower in your room that you loved is now...
All alone by the window, just staring at the snow
While remembering you, seeing you in the glass
I give you a final kiss
Come on, smile, don't cry anymore
From here on, I'll always be watching you
The snow falls gently on a hill
Even though I can't reach you, I understand
The flower in your room that you loved is now...
A light that quietly begins to color the inside of the town white
You saw the season's final colors
The sound of the tears that fell is cruel isn't it
You saw the season's final colors
The four seasons, and your colors, will soon vanish
The snow melts, and flowers bloom on the street corner
The "colors" that you saw, softly begin to melt
The day of this years final colors
A single flower on the street corner
When I look up into the sky, the final snow melts from my hand.

My dog comes and pokes her nose to my thigh. I get up from the computer, leash my dog. As I open the door, the sun's ray blind me and sears my flesh. It feels like my flesh and eyes was aflame. It was 7 AM...

Wings of Glass, Pt. 1 Prelude.

2009-06-17T00:40:00.000-07:00

An angel shrouded in a robe, and his face full of light. Thundering voice calling out her name, "Muriel." He held out his hand.
She emraced him as if she had known him for many years. His wings, that flowed with beautiful grace, enclosed on them, his body warm with love and soft with gentleness. With a sigh of love, she turned his body turned cold and unyielding as glass. His armed locked against her body. She could not budge. The angel's body had become glass. She looked up to see the face she once trusted. Her eyes dilated. She screamed in fear, as the face was just a black abyss. Her scream shattered the sky and earth. The glass angel and her fell into the darkness.

"Love is lost, Love is gone, Love is dead, Love burns in Hell," chanted the glass angel.

She woke screaming from her night of rest; sweaty and bewildered. She closed her eyes and reprised her dream.

Love is lost, Love is gone, Love is dead, Love burns in Hell
Those words echo in her mind.

Truth that Hurts the Soul

2009-06-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

So recently, I had been thinking a lot usually about the past, and how so much has changed in as little as in the past 2 years. It's kind of sad to lose touch with so many you thought would be with you forever, as friends, if not more. It’s funny how peoples thought of you change through just a simple gestures, response to a chain message, attitude of the response, and eye contact. Don't they consider that the person they are talking to or person you are trying to talk to is having a bad day? Seems to me like many friendships are made and destroyed by these simple gestures. In a way it makes me wish, I could take back a response I made to a friend. I think I was bitter, so my emotions got to me. So maybe I offended her. Then again she probably didn't even get the message I was trying to get through at the time. In a way I wish I could re-establish contact with my friend again. Ironic thing is, I had another friend delete her number from my phone. I just didn't want to be the one to sever the form of communication; we used the most to keep in touch. However I do remember, that I asked her to keep and contact. Maybe she never saved my number in the 1st place. Oh how Irony can be a bitch. Whenever we were still in school together, we used to walk together to our 5th our class. On her last day of school, I asked to stay in contact with me, since she was graduating that year. She responded with, "Oh, but I am such so anti-social." And she walked to her next class.... I didn't understand why she would say that, because she had so many friends, and always greeted everyone with a cheery face. It was recent to find out what she really meant.
Maybe I was just scaring her, I was probably a freak. Maybe I was too clingy, even though we never had that close of a relationship. To me being with her was all that mattered. Funny how I thought telling her the truth would make everything okay. Indeed the truth does set you free, but they forgot to mention that it can hurt you too.

So Begins the Next Chapter.

2009-05-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

As this chapter ends, so begins another... This school year went by much faster than I had anticipated. So much has happened in as little as 9 months. Countless conflicts, I finally got my 1st girlfriend, went through 3 more heart aches, had myself quite a few pitty parties, turned 17, made a lot of new friends, gone to a wedding.... so much more to say.

Hopefully this summer will be fun filled. Hopefully not just work haha.

For The Memories....

2009-05-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

When I see all of you, my mind starts to wonder. Maybe it will be a good day…

Maybe all of you will wave to me and greet me warmly, like you all used to…

As I approach, praying my worries away, you all walk away…. It’s not fair… What have I done?

Tears start to well from my eyes and my soul cries for them,

“Please don’t go!"
"Please don’t go!"
"What have I done?!”

I am left alone to rot and wallow in the oblivion of solitary with black and heavy shards of my heart.

I walk down the road of forsakenness, wishing I could hear the song I most relate too.

Glass Skin…

Memories start to spawn within my mind, eating away my sanity, and destroying all that is me.

I attempt to regain some self-control, I dream of angels delivering me, from this Hell.

My eyes take in sight of all the caressing lovers, for the sake of sanity…..

Why don’t they stop?

Please… Please stop…. Please

Can’t you see?!
It tortures my soul!

“Oh my heart!”
“Oh my heart!”

I wish it just stop beating blood to my mind, so the memories of my forsaken friends and forsaken love… Could just die.

“Can anyone hear the screams of my heart?!”
“Can anyone hear the screams of my heart?!”

It hurts so much, I start to cry blood.

My blood taste so sweet, and my death will be my climax.

Is there a demon from within me?

Happiness and sadness lies to close….

My death will be a forgotten tragic memory , within the annals of all those who once loved me.

Until their skulls are burnt to ashes, and swept away along with the wind.

But I refuse to remain a memory!

As the memory of dies, my legacy will die as well.

“I will be more than a memory!”
“I will be more than a memory!”

What will be the proof of my existence, legacy, and legend, if it all disappears… with the wind?

“ I refuse to be waste of my God given blessings!”
“I will not allow my childish heart to kill me!”

I will carve the sins onto the pages of legends,

I will live with my work!

I will scream with this body of flesh, which separates my soul from Heaven and Hell!!!

Not a Monster.... Just Human

2009-04-21T20:16:00.001-07:00

As I walked my dog, I see there was no moon.
Ah what a depressing sight.
I wished to be a child of the night.
Even if there was a moon out, it would need to be full.
Even if it was full, I would scream and growl as loud I possibly could,
Nothing would happen.
No one would come out to investigate.
Even my dog won't look at me.
Meh I can't even change into a wolf XD

Maybe I am just not ready for school again.
I am just tired and stressed.

In Memory of the Flower and the Tears....

2009-04-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

Let us never forget.

The day when one of my sisters of God died.

Has everyone forgotten the day she died?

The day, where two anguished souls blew the candles of 13 innocents.

Then blew out their own?

On that day, we remember a Martyr.

Who's name is Rachel Scott.

My sister stood up for what she believed in.

My sister died for what she believed in.

Let us not forget.

Lest, we allow History to repeat itself.

Weight of a Soldier's Blood.

2009-04-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

Sharp pains rip through my body.

My ears are ringing.

My comrades.... Their screams of agony.... I can no longer hear.

My vision.... Everything is turning red.

Everything is so.... Cold
I can see my entire life passing before my eyes.

The light....

It's so warm.

The sound of a child's laughter....

My love and daughter... I can see them now.

Beckoning me to come

The soldier reaches for the light and his loved ones....

His strength gives and can no longer raise his hand.

And with the last of his breath he whispers....

Jessica..... Madison.....

I am comming home.........

The young soldier's hearts slowly stops beatings. One minuscule pulse at a time.

The young man's body lies in the battle field.

Eyes open gazing into the dark sky....

For My Dear Readers

2009-04-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for the depressing entries! T.T

Bear with me, I am making an effort to put together another "epic" tale to share with you all!

:D

I've just been lacking the motivation to write them. ^-^;

But be patient! All will come in due time... ^-^

For My Dear, pt. II The Conceived Sorrow

2009-04-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

"No one has ever said the things you say to me."
"I like how you say your words, they're magical."

Were words that came out of your mouth, while tears run down your cheeks.

I am your angel.

I will hold you when you are in need.

I will listen when you need audience.

I will guard you when you are in danger.

My mind mourns,"Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me..."

It is all I ask.

I want to fall asleep in the innocent gentleness of your tears.

I want to fall asleep in your arms.

I want to know what it is like to love.

Alas our love cannot be.

Because your heart longs for another.

To know this, makes my heart sting, because everyday I see you.

To know this, makes my body cold, because there is no one to hold it.

To know this, makes my soul bleed, because the sound of your beautiful voice, cuts deep.

Oh how I wish to sleep the eternal sleep, to never awaken unto such a lonely world.

For My Dear

2009-04-04T02:39:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've contemplating on love. Thinking about it hurts. Am I going through a phase or does my soul thirst for a mate?

So I think of the songs, the songs I want to write just for you.

But you are beyond my grasp.... Beyond my Grasp.

As I run my hands across the strings of this guitar, I think of your hair.

Everyday I hold myself for the warmth and tenderness.

It reminds me of how you used to hold me.

I now wear a mask. So you cannot see my true face and emotions.

This mask now burdens me.

For it has become a part of me.

I am a two-face.

I lure many into my circle of love and trust.

As I show my true face....

They all remember me not.

So they escape my web and leave me alone to wither in the dark oblivion of called Loneliness.

Oath of the Glass to the Flesh: Dream of Prelude and Origin

2009-03-28T23:56:00.000-07:00

Once there was a young man who wished for eternal youth and forsight. He prayed and prayed to his angels but an answer never seemed to come. With every unanswered prayer darkness tainted his heart. His mind lost it's grip on sanity. His faith lost to the abyss of sorrows.
With his faith lost so was his sanity and his gentle heart.
One day he abandons all his loved ones and traverses to summit of a mountain. There he beckons an angel of Satan. A gate into Hell appeared behind him. A monsterous hand grabbed his feet and dragged him into the gates. There, in the darkness of hell, he made a pact a demon. He was given power to bring death and suffering onto Man, but he would have to suffer the pain and horrors of the victim and their families. And when his mortal life ended, he would be sealed in his heart. The young man however pleaded to die in this fashion.

As I die, my body and heart shall turn into glass....

Petrified.

Frozen in time.

For eons, I will lay.

Famine.

War.

Genocide.

Extinction.

I will have seen much suffering.

Melinnias will pass.

I will haved shattered.

My broken shards will be my spawn.

The breath of nature will carry them around the world.

Thus the cycle of suffering will begin anew.

The demon surprised of the young man's wish for the world suffer such terrible curse, he sought to compromise with the young man. Thus he chants his hellish melody....

Glass and Flesh
Man and Woman
Brittle and Resilient
Certain and Changing
Cold and Warm
Lustrous and Suave
Long ago, Flesh was always warry to never come near Glass.
On one fateful day, they embraced.
Driven by an anttempted suicide of the Body.
They collided and they became one.
Together they were whole.
Their love for one another was named, Pain.
The Body sang them a song.... The song named, Agony.
As their love for each other deepened, the louder the song was sung.
This is the power I give you, Little Imp.
Alas only one shall be allowed to suffer, what you will inevitably endure.
The poor soul will have your heart of glass.
And as they expire, you will personally deliver me their soul.
But be forewarned, if ever your merciless curse should break, then your soul will be mine.
I shall show you pain like you have never felt before.
You will suffer the pain of your victims, tenfold.

The delusional young man, so thirsted for vengence against the ones he once worshipped,
Accepted the pact.
The demon ripped open the youg man's chest exposing the ribcage.
He continued to snap every single rib.
With such immense pain, the young man scream was heard by no living creature.
The demon pierced the child's heart with his teeth.
Thus the heart turned to glass.
The demon sewn the chest shut with his own teeth and the boy's locks of hair.
The was then thrown out of the gates of hell back into the relm of mortals.

Sharp piercing pain ran throughout his body, then concentraited to his throat.
He vommited out bile, blood, and needle sharp shards of glass.

So the cycle begins....

The young man looked onto the world from which he stood.
With eyes of fury, he see's the world entombed in glass.
His eyes fill with plots to afflict the one that will break his unending cycle.

You will be my first!

I will find you.... I Promise...

It's Been a Long Time....

2009-03-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

Wow... It has been since December since I wrote anything..... I would like to say I am sorry. Things have just been very fustrating.....

1st I would like to inform everyone that there are two new blogs.... BUT! They are empty :P

Hopefully I can get over the madness that is dwelling within my mind....

....Vinushka....

2008-12-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

The cause of all evil.....
Devils, demons, sin, regret, suffering, madness, Temptation, Vinushka.....
Lately I been in and out of it i guess. Lately I've been tagging every single paper, desk, and wall saying Vinushka...
This words haunts me. Maybe that's what I am.
I walk down the streets at icy, cold night hoping a stranger will stop by. Maybe he or she will offer me a ride? Disappointment after disappointment no one stops for me. My mind only thinks of her. Maybe she will see me and take pity on me? After all we've been through... I thought she would at least talk to me whenever she sees me....

Finally, a pickup truck stops.... A mans head pops out the window.
"Where are you heading to little man?"
I see this man had already a passenger in the back seats, but not the passenger front....
The man was about in his early 30s late 20s even. He seemed kind enough.
"Well, my boy, we are heading to a diner just 6 miles down the road. Would you like to come with us? My treat!"
Food! It's been a few days since I have had any kind of civilized food. I've been taking little bites out of the MRE Vegi Crackers for the past few days and now finally this kind man has offered to give me food.

"Sure. I am in depted to you, sir." I said with a peaceful smile.
"Hop up on the passenger side, son" he said with a jolly laugh.

I opened the door and looked at the passenger in the back. A young blonde with red streaks in her hair. She also has piercings in her ears, one on her tongue, and left side of her nose. Her body was like that of a goddess... She couldn't have been more than 17 or 18. Something was evidently wrong though.... She only wore lingerie..... I looked away and climbed onto the passenger seat as fast as I could.....

"Vinushka..." I whispered to myself.
"Nice crosses you have there, son," he stared at my three crosses, "Are you catholic or something?"
"No sir, just a reminder of Faith." I said quickly tucking the crucifixes under my coat.
"Well, lets see how strong you keep your faith with my daughter in the backseat...."
A pair of hands from the back creeps over and start to rub my arms. I started getting tense....

What is this? This isn't right.... Her arms gently started rubbing my chest. And then moved to my neck and cheak. She suddenly started to whisper in my ear, "Hey, hey, Shhhh..... It's okay, just enjoy the ride, I'll do everything.... You'll be in Heaven in no time...."

I can her breath run down my neck. My heart started to beat faster. One of her hands started to move down and rub my chest once more.

"Stop...." I urged, but as suddenly as the words were said my neck clentched tight. I saw the wire in both of her hands.... "Piano wire!" my mind shouted.

"You see, youngman, we haven't eaten any decent meat in several weeks now.... Last fool we had was a punk boy about your age. Hahaha and boy, did he taste like shit...." he said smirking and laughing.

"That's right, Daddy," she said with a sensual voice, "And you know what tastes the best?"

"A wretched Christian boy!" they both said in unison. My vision started turning red. The wire was being pulled tighter..... Soon I can feel the warmness oozing down my body.....

I fought and struggled. I shook my body back and forth, to and fro, my crosses swung out of my coat, and like a knife cutting warm butter, cutting the man 's right eye. He lost total control on the pick up. Quickly I remember that I had a knife at my waist tucked under my coat. I quickly unsheathed it and started to cut away at the wire. The man quickly swirved his truck to the left, I lost control of my blade and it slashed my face. The man crashed into a tree head on, luckly I had a seat belt, but the girl she wasn't so lucky.

Her piercing suspended her up in a mess of branches and she was hanging freely. Her shook violently and ceased to move. I quickly got out of the car, I could smell smoke... and gasoline! I hoped out of the pick up. I was suddenly tackled. The man was on top of me he dug at the wound across my throat. I struggled against him, but everything became so slow... I looked around for anything to help me. I took my knife and started to stab and slash at his face, arms, and chest. Nothing fazed him. I could see him light up a cigarette as he continued to choke the life out of me. Blood started to gush out from my throat, and coughed up blood in his face. My blood seemed to burn his face. And I saw my crosses two feet above my reach.

With all the willpower and strengh I crawled for the crosses. The pain was so unbearable. I collapsed on the ground only an inch away. I mustered myself make the one inch. As my hands touched the cross, the man leaped on my back. His enormous strengh spun me around.
"Die! Fucking! HUMAN!!!" he roared.
I had my crosses, and quickly slashed his face. The slash from the chin to the forhead, and across his eyes, at the same time his cigarette flew into the gasoline igniting it in seconds. The man blinded
by the slashes ran into the ignited truck. I ran 3o yards away from the truck before it exploded, and everything turned black.

Storm Beautifully

2008-12-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

Oh Angels of the Coming Storm I beseech thee...
Come and nourish the children of Mother Nature
May you bring us the roars of fury
May you strike down anything that stand in your way
As I walk in the grassy plains
May you rain down your tears so it may cleanse my spirit and heal my shattered soul
May you cover the sun with your hands of darkness
I feel your tears, slithering down my face
Wetting my shirt and my skin
I feel your sighs of misery, they keep me company
As your hands part, I see the life around me, they sing songs of joy
Then once more you shroud the sun in darkness, and I say to you:
Storm Beautifully for me.

There Are No White Chocolate Kisses...

2008-11-29T02:43:00.000-08:00

As I stand at the cash register, I stop and think of you. The next customer walks up to counter, and out of 2nd nature I ask, "How can I help you?" As the customer starts naming off several of the item she wanted, I thought about what you liked to do.... Hug.... I thought of the times I held you tightly and the time my girl friends tell me they don't like tight hugs. Only gentle, soft and distant hugs.... My heart sank. I knew my heart was set for you but you did not know. I wanted you to say, "I love you!" once more. Even though you said that to everyone. You only ment it as a friendly manner. I remember watching hug all your boy friends. I understood what your hugs ment by your face, the duration, the tension you had in your body. So I understood how you felt of them whenever you hugged them.

Last time I hugged you. I knew how you felt about me. I felt alone and cold. But why you even wanted my hug that time, I didn't know. Sometimes I wish I never told you, that I had feelings for you. Ultimately I knew your feelings for me changed.

In our embrace, I felt a slight push, uneasiness, like an I-wish-you-weren't-here-so-I-didn't-have-to-hug-you, kind of hug. In that moment I wished knew how to be one of your best friends. As I put more thought into it.... I started to wish that you never got close to me and I never harbored any feelings for you.... Alas it was too late.
My eyes welled up with tears.... I suddenly caught my-self thinking too much.
I quickly my realize my customer finished naming off her list.... All I heard was white chocolate kisses and damn....

That wasn't even on the menu....

So I said, "Ma'am, there are no white chocolate kisses."

To Raise Them Up as They Fall...

2008-11-27T23:32:00.000-08:00

A young soul asks you out of no where, these questions:

Why do I have these feelings? These feelings of emptyness? I believe that I have reached God,

but I still feel so distant, why? What is my purpose? What is wrong? Am I doing something

Wrong? Why am I having those terrible thoughts? Why did I wait? Why did she not see me?

Why didn't she see fit to give me chance? Why am I thinking of the past now? Long

and forgotten. I had so many chances to just end it, but why did I think of that? What do I

have to live for?"

Now you challenge is to give the young soul the answer he seeks.... Answer wisely, because your answers could change his life for the better or worse or not at all.... Good Luck ^-^

Mind and Madness II

2008-11-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

Hmm...... It's been a while since I posted something. To write something emotional.... And to find my emotional status.... Well here is something emotional (hopefully) and might give you a hint of what's going on in my head.

These lyrics are from the song Emu~For My Dear by Gackt.

The joy from my heart at our sudden meeting says"Maybe it'll be over before I know it..." those forebodings scare me (1)
And then I was gazing into your eyes
Without understanding anything
They're not forever changing, so how many phantoms,
Like memories and dreams, could you file away
And now I gazed into your eyes
Without changing anything
If I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is fleeting
If I close my eyes, I want to hold
Your vanishing body once more in my arms
Because I can't forget that time, that place where we met...
dancing in the breeze, your body
Was being enveloped in light
I was only watching you
I was forever gazing into your eyes
Even now I watch only you
Without changing anything
If I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is pained
If I close my eyes, I want to hold
Your vanishing body once more in my dreams
Because I can't forget that time, that place where we met...
Because I can't forget...

___________________________________________________________________

(sorry if you don't understand just mindless rambling)

To tell the truth.... this song pretty much how I am feeling.... I just don't know why I am all of the sudden thinking of past wounds... Maybe it's my most recent wounds.
In a way I am glad I found the truth to the reasoning.... I just with she could have told me the truth herself. I am okay though. This stage will pass. Haha I am just thinking of all of them.... Reading back on my good friend's blog,"Why him and not me?" I can't express how much thinking those words, hurt. Geez My mind is turning into mush.... I can't think straight, my Creative writing is wilting away.... I can't spell. God help me, I am losing my English....

Mind and Madness

2008-10-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

With music flowing into his ears and eyes closed, the young man prepares to dwell into the most dangerous place of all, the Mind. Darkness is all that can be seen, but pain and confusion is all that can be felt. Words of pain, regret, loss fill his ears, "No one wants to know the present! No one wants to hear the present!" they scream. Even though the words are in Japanese, he can understand them.

A sigh comes out of his mouth. The trance was lost. He again must refocus his mind....

As Moonlight Sonata plays from his playlist, the boy can see a vision. He see's an old man sitting alone in front of a fireplace. But in the future and alone. The dead eyes were full of regret in pain. The boy then looks at the man's neck, he then knew it was himself.

A new tune comes into play. A light hearted one. Happiness..... Soothing. No doubt this was Dearly Beloved by the Kingdom Hearts.... Alas the solo is short lived.....

A song by a J-Rock band call Dir en Grey. The song was called Kasumi. Though it was beautiful, he did not understand the lyrics. No doubt the song was about love. Maybe that's what the boy felt what was missing. The colors of Love. The song is now over....

Maybe Love was what all he needed, to feel the sweet lips of Love. Then again all he needed was companionship, someone where he can confide all his secrets too. For the sake of his sanity. He is too young for love after all.

Won't someone listen to my story? Won't someone hold me lovingly and warmly? Why these thoughts? Why ask for help? God help me. I ask you to comfort me and love me. Please pour out your blessings of love to me. Send your army of angels to guide me. Protect me from melicious devils. Keep Satans army away from my mind.

These thoughts rattled thoughout his mind. He eyes were heavy, but the thought of Love still hovered through his head.

If there is somebody who wishes for my companionship, please let it be known to me! Why hide it from me? Please is you have those feelings tell me.

The young man's heart ached for companionship and intimacy. Eternal slumber would seem so easy. To sleep and never wake up. To stay in a dream, a neverending dream or nightmare.... Nonetheless it was a never ending adventure..... A Never Ending Story.....

Battle for the Soul, A Requiem for a Dream pt. II

2008-10-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

That dream.....

So unreal, but still felt so real.

Once again I lay my head down.

My eyes close, I say to myself, "Let this be the Final,"

Just as the words left my mouth, everything turns black...

Once again, I face the horror of my sins.

"Lets end this.... Pitiful Soul" my sins uttered with the tip of it's sword pointed toward me.

The sky darkened with black by what seems like a wave bats and crows.

Soon enough the wave of darkness comes pouring toward me.

The Holy Army rushes to my side, and they all bow their heads and pray.

"Bow your head, and raise you shield, young mortal, for the arrows of Doubt seek to destory our faith!" Michael commanded me.

As I raise my shield, light domes around me and the angelic army.

The arrows seem to be repulsed by this shield of light.

A sudden rush of glory rushed in my veins and I was compelled me to cry out,"No arrow from Hell's army can peirce my faith!"

I quickly realize I wasn't alone in the battle cry, for the angelic army cried out aswell.

I stare into the darkness as it is repulsed by my shield. Suddenly I see a thin line of fire blast through he darkness.

Legion came rushing at me with his fiery sword.

With furious rage he bashed on my shield.

With such strong force and momentum, left knee collapsed onto the ground.

He planted his foot onto my chest and I was on the ground staring up at my foe.

One more his hand reached for my throat.

He picked me up, choking the life out of me.

As everything started turning black, an bright flash struck his chest, and breath returned to me once again.

The arrow had seemed to be deflected by his massive chest plates.

He grasped the arrow as it layed in the dirt, and repeatedly jabbed his armoured chest with his arrow.

He continued the mockery until the shaft splintered into pieces and the arrow head just a chunk of blessed steel.

Not making a single dent or scratch, he mockingly bellowed out to angelic army and the army of hellspawns,"No arrow, no mace, no axe, no spear, and no blade forged from Angels can even fathom to even scratch the armour forged by Lucifer!!!"

The army of darkness bursted into laughter, taunting the army of light.

I took my stand and pointed my sword toward him.

"My Sword of the Spirit will not only slash through your hellish shell, but I will send you and your legion of sin, back to Hell!" I challenged.

This only intensified the outburst of laughter of the Hellspawn army.

"I beckon you to try, foolish boy!" Legion said with fury.

Instantly he swung his sword, and I too swung mine to connect with his.

Everything suddenly slowed down around me.

Our swords sliced through the air but it was so slow, it seemed as if hardly anything was moving.

From that moment I felt fully at peace.

My sword felt weightless and my body moved with grace.

I closed my eyes and prayed,"My Lord and Maker, you are my sword and shield, allow me to banish this demon and his legion back into the Oblivion!"

As I finished my prayer and opened my eyes, everything was now back into full motion.

Our swords made contact, but my sword seemed to have sliced through not only his armour and body, but his sword aswell.

"Back to Hell, Legion and take your wretches with you!!!" a loud voice thundered out from above.

The Army of Hell and Legion shrieked and shrilled with anger and fustration of bitter damnation.

A rift in the ground opened and thorny came spewing from the hole dragging every Hellspawn down the fissure.

I heard cheering and rejoycing all around me.

Love and Life birthed into the battlefield, consuming the putrid waste the Armies of Hell had left behind.

As angels danced all around me, Azrael came to me and we embraced as if two long lost brother were once again reunited.

"Precious Soul, you now have a choice, stay here and live in paradise, or serve our Lord by returning to you earthly body and spread your story to every mortal on Earth," Azrael inquiered.

"By spreading your story, will be marked in stars and lead humanity into a different destiny," the he revealed to me.

As I thought of my answer, the angel smiled at me and winked.

It shall be done, and I will forever guide you to the rightous path, the path of Higher Spirit of Good.

I smiled and closed my eyes.

I was suddenly awaken by the bells of the church.

I now live my life, knowing the path I live was made by the Heavens....

The Trinity

2008-09-28T17:13:00.001-07:00

Once there was a young man, that has asked about his three necklaces. People might ask,"Why do you have three crosses?" or "Why do you always wear that?"

He then will on occasion ask if it offends them. But often he will answer the question to test them, his answers are usually : "It's my trouble proof vest," or "It's something to keep me in my place," or "It's unique, and it's not really hurting anybody, right?"

Depending on how the person(s) answer or reacts he can see what the person is feeling. Are they trustworthy? Are they offended? Do they really have God and Christ in their lives?

In truth the answers is: They remind him and everyone who sees them that the Lord, The Son, and Holy Spirit are always with them. So they must always strive to better themselves. It is also supposed to remind him that he must bear the weight of his sins until he repents.

He doesn't believe he will receive extra blessings, extra protection, or he is sin free.

No, he is a sinner, a normal human, even though he wishes he was an angel.

He is not "Holier then Thou" he makes the same mistake as everyone else.

Unfortunately these crosses do come with a cost.

His social life has never been the same since the day he started wearing them.

Many friends have shunned him and much family has been distant.

'Maybe it's is ment to be' he thought to himself, 'I will not bend to the will of Satan!"

So he lives life, praying, keeping a tight grasp to his faith, and will continue to bear the weight of the crosses and his sins, until the end of Time.

Journey in Wisdom

2008-09-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

Written on Monday, March 10, 2008.

I sat in the commons of my high school.
It was the second period of lunch, so I decided I must evaluate
As my shut my eyes, I dive deeper into darkness.
A gentle breeze picked me up from the descent, and carries me back to my sanctuary.
Back to the forest.
I dwelled deep in thought with only these words:
"There is no pit so, that God is not deepest, still."
I am woken from my peace by the choas of the room.
I say to my self, " I must stop speaking what not needs to be said."
I continue my meditation.
Yet again I am disturbed.
I wonder,
"You have the audacity to disturb me?"
Lunch period is over in an instant.
I walk with my good friends to my 5th hour class.
As I sit in my desk, my mind chants to me,
"Evaluation. Evaluation. Evaluation. Resolution."
The rest of the day, I can only think of discipline.
"I must condition my body and mind, if I am to enchance the soul.
If I am to change the world, then I first must change."
Then my corrupted mind attempts to trick me,
"Look at the world around you! There is no need to do all that. There is no need to be a warrior for God. Common wake up! Stop this foolish dreaming!"
I say to my mind,
"The only fool here, is you. You follow the world, you are afraid of all those around you might think. You lust for attention and what does it get you? Only despair. Look pass the surface and look for what really matters."
My mind becomes silent.
Now I dwell in my sanctuary.
Heavy with thought.
High in hopes.
Only grounded by this mortal mind and body.

A Requiem for a Dream, A Mortal Warrior for Heaven Birthed

2008-09-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

As I fall in my sleep, my last thought, dream.
I now see myself in a total oblivion, total darkness.
It's a nightmare, I scream wanting to escape this prison.
But now I see a small glitter of white.
I race for it, moving my feet, I feel it sinking into the thick darkness.
I fall face flat into the sludge.
I can only see and feel the right side of my upper torso; no legs, no left arm.
Pulling my body with my right arm, I reach for the light.
'Don't leave me behind!' I thought to myself.
My body fully submerged in the darkness.
I can see my right hand, reaching for this light, only inches away.
Now I accept my fate, I will be a part of this God forsaken oblivion.
Suddenly I feel this warmth on my hand. Warm as love.
Now a overwelming bright light is in front of my, I can see!
I look all around me, I was enveloped in the sins of my past. The horror....
They all unify into this one giant beast, it comes reaching for me.

The bright light suddenly envelops me and the beast.
I was sure I have been obliterated by the bright light.
But now I am in large lush green mountain.
I now knelt with my hand reaching up and my face looking down.
I see a man's feet, I can see one hole in each one of his foots.
My hand is grabbed by gentle hands, but strong force. I look up to see the man's hands, more holes, one in each of his hands.
His face enveloped by a bright white light.
Above his head a halo.
I look to my left and right I see three men and four women flapping their wings in perfect unison to stay a float.
Each of them carrying a bowl.
I suddenly feel familiar presence beind me.
"My Lord, what is it you want us to do?" a strong presence spoken in a light, but obscured voice.
"Sweet Demise, the time has come to end your oath with this young mortal you swore to protect from the day he was born" a benevolent, but thunderous voice proclaimed, "You must explain what is to come, and Michael will arm this young son of Adam and Eve."
"It will be done, my Master." the entity behind me said. I feel a familiar pair of hands grabbing my shoulders.
I gently arose from my position and and slowly turned look to see who or what groped my shoulders.
It was a winged man, he wore a hooded robe with a large sythe strapped to his back.
Angels!
I could feel the angel guiding me away from the man.
"Azrael, you shall not intervene with the battle, this is what the young mortal must do alone." the man commanded.
"Yes, my lord" Azrael gently answered.
The archangel continues to guide me away from the man and down the mountain.
We now step to down into a valley.

"Welcome to the Valley of Megiddo," Azrael introduces to me, "come we must find Michael and meet with the rest of the Heavenly Army."
"Young one, I am Azrael, I have watched over you since day you were in your mother's womb until now."
"Do you not remember the time I held you up as you took your first steps?"
"Do you not rememeber the time I held your up head when you found your first love?"
"Do you not remember the time I held your heart the first time you were rejected? The Last?"
"Do you not remember the time I stayed you hand when you had that blade pointed to your throat?"
"Do you not remember I was there to give you warmth and light in the dark, cold world you live in?"
"Do you not remember me?" the angel asked me, "Do you not remember I as your Guardian?"

I feel a sudden warmth in my heart, my eyes well with tears, then my mind suddenly filled with forgotten memories, and I am embrace my guardian angel.
"Azrael! I remember! I remember! You where there! Always by my side!" I cried.
My guardian wiped the tears from my eyes with his robe.
"No more tears, young one, no more tears," he comforts me, "be strong, be ready, cause you must face your sins and cast them all to the bowels of Hell."

We walk behind a large wall of an ancient city, that now seems to lie in ruins.
Another angel brandishing a sword, and a lance strapped to his back.
He turns to face Azrael and me.
"Michael, the mortal has arrived," my angel spoke in a gentle voice, "the Lord, commands that he fight his sin and we are not to intervene."
"Very well, I will arm him, with the armour and weapon he has forged in his life," Michael responded.
His hands glew with a red light aura and suddenly then my body glew in a white light.
White strings of fabric spun all around me, and enclothed me with a white hooded robe.
Then black strings of the divine fabric spun around my neck and a scarf was made.
The fabric so light and gentle it seemed as if it was made from spider webs.
Michael now touched my forhead and then materialized a bow in front of my eyes.
I grabbed it with my left hand.
"Now, young one, this last weapon will be the hardest for you to receive," so Michael tells me.
He now places his hand at my chests and his hand seems to sink inside my chest.
Sharp pains spiral through out my heart, I feel as if I will collapse, but Azrael embraces me tightly.
Michael slowly draws out a sword slowly, every second of the extraction was excruciating.
"Take the sword," the militant archangel commanded.
I completely drew the sword from my chest with my right hand, and gazed in awe of the blade.
'The Sword of the Spirtit' I heard my thought whisper to me.

The two angels once again lead me to Valley of Megiddo.
Now I saw the Armies of Hell and the Heavenly Army.
Light, Love, and Glory of Heaven flourished throughout the valley on the side of the Heavenly Army.
Sin and Darkness of Hell tainted the beautiful valley, with blood, carnage, ruin, and darkness, on the side of the Army of Hell.

I was lead to the frontline Heavenly Army, and every eye stared at me, Holy or Tainted.
Then the a large creature emerged to the frontline of the Army of Hell, and every eye stared at it, Holy or Tainted.

The monster and I walked to the middle of the field, both of us watched by the two armies.
In the creature, I see every sin I have commited. I knew what must be done.
I looked into the eye of the abomination and he too knew what must be done.
Our eyes locked with one another.

Suddenly... I awoke.

Brainwashed

2008-09-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

My heads been blank lately. I just can't think of something to write about except this. Maybe it's the music I been listening to? Maybe it's because I am stuck inside most of the time. Maybe it's becaus I haven't gone to church in a long time. So many factors... So much desire to write, but nothing comes to mind. Anyone want to inspire me? Anyone have a starter? Anyone have something they would like me to write about?

Suicide is the Proof of Life

2008-09-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

This was inspired by one of my favorite rock bands Dir en Grey and their song The Final. You can call this another attempted to let go the hardships of recent and past events.

Scream! Cry! Ready to Die?!
Suicide.... The proof of life.
Suicide.... The proof of life.
Suicide.... The proof of life.
Every moment I live is toture...
I suffer, seeing you ignorant of my feelings.
My feelings for you.
Give you signs, but they go unheard....
My heart!
Screaming for your love....
But it's voice falls upon deaf ears....
Screams of fustration fill my heart and soul.
I stayed in my sanctuary, sleeping; dreaming of you.
I prayed for your love, but maybe it wasn't ment to be...
My heart!
Screams for your love....
But it's voice falls upon deaf ears....
Scream! Cry! Ready to Die?!
So why try...?
So why try...?
To live a loveless life?
Life or Death, it's my body and soul....
Suicide, the proof of life.
Suicide, the proof of life.
Let's bloom the Flowers of Attempted Suicide....

Let's Bloom the Flowers of Attempted Suicide... (read Suicide is the Proof of Life, 1st)

2008-08-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Let us continue where I left off in the last blog...

Now... My love.
If you do not love me now...
Maybe you will wish you have once I am gone....
Writhe in Regret!
I now stare at the at the crucifixes around my neck.....
I see tears of blood running down my Lord's eyes.....

With gun in hang my hand, maybe I will end the pain.
The pain you left in me!!!
Fuck you!!! You never thought of me!
Ahhhh! Raaaaawrrrr!!!!!
My last thoughts of you filled with anger sorrow....
Maybe I will never be remembered?
Fuck it....
The Father,the Son, and the Holy Spirit
I pulled the trigger.
*click*
Nothing happened.....

Lord.... Have you given me a reason to live?

The 1st English Assignment from Mrs. Vaughn

2008-08-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

The Autobiography
Hello there! My name is Chih-Chuan Chang. I was born in Taiwan, but I came to America when I was about six years old. In America, I lived in a Chinese restaurant named, “Hunan Inn,” until it was closed for business. I now currently reside at the Chateau LaFitte apartment complex. My parents are in some way divorced. My father wanted to go back to Taiwan, while my mother decided to stay here, in America, with me and my sister, Tiffany Chang. Now you must forgive me, because my writing can be at times, very deep and sometimes morbid. Now that you know a little it about my background, let us learn about my personality.
My most prized possession is my spirit. I received this gift at January 14, 1992. The first reason I was given this gift is because no soul can live a good life without anyone to accompany and guide it. The second reason I was given this gift is because the giver of this gift, The Almighty, has a purpose for me to fulfill in this world. This is my most precious gift because it contains my talents, skill, and all my love for God.
The thing that identifies me the most are angels. Reason being, angels are known as a guardian, a friend, and guide to everyone and everything in the world. I was also once called an angel in disguise, so ever since then I had an obsession with angels; even my Myspace and Facebook have angels as display images. I’ve always been helping my friends in need and tried my best to guide and accompany them through their troubles like an angel.
Some words I live by are the lyrics to Strangers by Yoko Kanno and The Final by Dir en Grey. The lyrics to Strangers are important to me because it almost perfectly matches the long rode my soul and spirit have traversed so far trying to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. The lyrics to The Final are important to me because it reminds me the times I have contemplated suicide and there is always something to live for. It also helps numb or intensify any source of pain, I might be feeling. So the song has saved my life, or nearly ended it. Well now that you know a bit about me, I hope I can learn more about you. I’ll have you know though; that this is paper is only “The tip of the iceberg.”

Never Forget

2008-08-11T01:38:00.000-07:00

The Gentle Heart.
The Loving Feeling.
The Little Puppy.
The Shadow.
The Ghost.
The Soldier
The Angel
The Sweetie
The Little Asian Dude.
The Freshman
The Chih :)

Love Me

2008-08-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

Love me.

Because I love you.

La La Love Me.

Your words, so sweet.

I can't stop this one thought rushing through my mind.

I Love You

I Love You

I Love You!

Won't you take me now?

Take me into your world?

Or shall I take you to mine?

Where, I can be your king and you my queen.

Or You my princess and I your humble knight.

There is so much to see.

So little time....

But there is nothing to fear, because I will die for you.

Why?

Must I say it once more?

I love you.

Now you must only do one thing.....

Offer me your Trust and Love.

Dreams About The Past Life?

2008-07-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

January 4th 2008 was a very wierd day. I felt I've been stuck in the mud and I can't get out. Well anyway about the dream, I have told Analynn, but I had to shorten it.
Well here the story...
I was about my age now and I was best friends with this girl. Then suddenly we became lovers. It seemed we had such a great time. The reason i said "seemed" is because, now this is one of the things that bothered me, I could never see her face, I could never see us hug, kiss, and I think at one point we made love. Anything we did always blurred and swirl until I couldn't see what happened and it changed to like the next "scene" of our life. I guess I was not supposed to see her face at all. Anyway to continue the story...
I was grown up and I had to go to war, before the swirling effect fully distorted my sight, I saw us kissing good bye. Then was in a middle of a battle. It seemed all the people on my side had paintball guns. I had one too. But all enemy soldiers had real guns. Well we all decided to charge them and one by one I saw my comrades get gun down, and blood splattered everywhere. Then finally I was shot down. Everything I saw, was red. Then I couldn't stop thinking about my lover. Well fortunatly for me I saw a shadow of what looked like a helicopter. And I saw the shadow, gun down all the enemy forces. So Yay I thought, then I started thinking about the lover again. When I almost saw her face the swirly effect happened again. The next scene I was at my house. Calling for my lover I was home, but there was no answer. I looked at the mail and it was soooo full. there was a bill I opened it, before I looked at the mail I cried for my lover again, still no answer... So I looked at the bill, it was a funeral bill for someone I couldn't read the name, but I think it was for me. I called my lover's mother and she started crying when she heard my voice. She told me the bill was for my lover. She never said her's or my lover's name she jus aid "My Baby." I heard her bawl out," They found... My Baby... dead with a knife on her heart and in her left hang a picture of you....."
I felt tears sting my eyes. The mother said she commited suicide. I started yelling over the phone it wasn't possible. The mother dropped the phone and I guess she ran away. Well the father told me my lover's grave site. The swirly effect took place again before I could hear the name of my lover. Last thing I heard the father say was "I can't believe..." So I went to her grave and gave her white roses, white lotuses, and one red roses. When I layed them down on the grave all the flowers turned black and very very thorny, but the red rose remained untouched. I quickly grabbed onto the red rose, while all the flowers were wrapping black vines around my hand. The swirly effect came on again and next thing I knew I was at my dinner table, but there was no food. I looked around the table and I felt very lonely, no one else was at the table. I saw a rolled up newspaper and unrolled it and what I saw was my lover.... She made front cover of the news. I couldn't read anything I just knew was going mad I started ripping apart the newspaper. When I riped the front cover with the picture of my lover, a knife fell out.
The knife was very bloody. I picked up the knife and before I could plunge it to my heart... I woke up. This morning I was very very sad. Next thing I knew the alarm clock rang. So when I went to school today I tried to mask everything. I think I hid my feelings well. I sorta wished I didn't.
Thank you everyone for being born and being my friend, you made my day a little brighter.

My Unrequited Love

2008-07-24T00:54:00.000-07:00

My feelings for you are strong.
Yet you do not know that I harbor them.
Your smiles are like the Sun's rays; warm and lifting.
Your eyes are like diamonds ever sparkling.
Evey time I see you, a sharp pain rips through my heart.
For I know you are far beyond my reach.
You have fallen for another.
But I know this is what must be.
It has felt like many lifetimes since I have set my eyes on you and where you have reclined.
Many times I have dreamt about you.
We embraced.
But I awake with tears running down my cheek.
To find it was only a dream.
I have tried letting you go not once, but twice.
But everytime I see your miniature portraits.
I have always have this one thought rushing through my mind.
"What If?"
I wish once more to touch your hands.
I wish for a chance to touch your lips.
I wish for a chance that your lips reach my cheek.
I pray for the chance for our lips to touch.
God Bless You, My Love.
My Unrequited Love.
But I will never say who... :D

How Far We’ve Come

2008-06-09T00:19:00.003-07:00

Reflect back in life. Back to your very first day at school. If you can remember that far anyway. Then continue forward until you reach today.
Can you remember all the people you have met?
Remember all your friends?
In my younger childhood days I can remember making many friends. But as we all grew up we all changed. So many of my friends now are sweet memories. I often wish I could see them again. We have come so far. We truely are blessed to have met so many people. I am overwhelmed by the number of friends I have made this year, but no words can decribe how I feel about how many friends I made in my entire life time. We still have many years a head of us. No matter how old you are. Death is just another part of life. So there is no need to fear death. Come let us face our Destiny that we have chosen in this life time.

Battle of the Polar Opposite Deaths

2008-06-09T00:19:00.001-07:00

I feel Azrael's benevolence and love all around me.
I feel Azazel's lust for mortal blood.
I feel this battle raging inside.
Azrael fights for my salvation.
Azazel fights for my damnation.
I feel peace through kinship and friendship.
I feel pleasure through blood letting.
I have the desire to touch someone's heart through my love and kiss them through my lips.
I have the craving to rip out someones heart and have the taste of blood in my mouth.
I must control myself.
I must show all of myself.
I ask myself, "Who will win?"
I answer, "The one you embrace."

Do You Remember Me?

2008-06-09T00:18:00.003-07:00

Today, after school was dismissed, I sat outside on that stone bench.
The sun was in my eye, so I closed my eyes.
I was feeling the wind blow my hair and white T-shirt to-and-fro.
The sun's rays continued to beam down on my closed eyes and my vision turned bloody red, that's when I saw you.
I saw just the two of us waltzing under a crimson moon.
I stared into your eyes, and the whole world melted away.
We continued our dance, only to be illuminated by the crimson rays.
I was suddenly awoken from my state of mind by my friends.
As they continued to talk to me, I was thinking only one thing.....
Do you remember me?

The Three Symbolic Beasts of Life

2008-06-09T00:18:00.001-07:00

In life you will find people who are either a sheep, a wolf, and a dog. Of course their are other branches to the tree, but I will talk about them later.
The sheep are people who wake up and go to work at 9 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon. They are the type of people who are innocent and can hardly fend for themselves. They can't get their head around committing acts of violence, drugs, rape, or anything that is evil in the world. But there a are handful of blacksheeps in the flock, they go against the stereotype, they are enlightened, they know the way of the deer. But these black sheep are very difficult to find, but on the other hand they out number the dogs on a 5-to-1 ratio. Unfortunately the white sheep still blanket the field. They would need abundant guidance to be able to stand up for their individuality. Most do not know they are called upon by the the Almighty and Destinies to serve the better good. They do not know the abilities they have within their soul and spirit. Unfortunately it only takes the slightest temptation to lead them into corruption, then eventually it will lead the way to the wolves.
The wolves are of course the predators. Their lives are almost all about preying on the weaker and defenseless ones. The sheep is their favorite prey. The wolves have no disipline, and rarely any smarts. It is only the Alpha or pack leader who has the knowledge, tatics, and most ferocity or subtleness of the pack. They too are called upon the Almighty. Also by the Fates. Their lives unfortunately are too dark, and their ears are deaf to hear their true destinies. They are too blind or arrogant to see the inner light that still glimmers in their dark world. It is not impossible to change their ways but, most improbable. But if they do change they will face hardships of change, but then they will rise higher than the sheep quickly and become the dogs.
The dogs are disciplined, honorable, loyal, loving, strong, sometimes wise, and partly domesticated. They wish to serve their masters and keep the peace. But they still have their instincts inherited from the wolves. Their instincts make their aspects just the same as wolves. The only thing they do not have is the urge to prey on the weak. Their entire life is devoted to protect those like the sheep so the sheep may continue their blissful and innocent lives. Unfortunately it is the most improbable if not impossible, to regain the innocence of the sheep again, but they only need to the small taste of corruption to start on the dark path in becoming wolves. It is hard to find the purebred dog, which are the individualists. Most have mated with other beasts so it is hard to find the pure breds these days. But even with change or purity their lives are very lonely. They can search entire lives just to search for love, but never find it. Then again, they are the ones that answer the call of their master, the Almighty and eventually their destiny. Most of them accept their fate. They are the ones that have the most affect in the world.