Friday, March 25, 2011

A Matter of Trust

People need to learn that trust can't be easily won back. When you lie and break promises; it's like backstabbing. Sure you can be nice, sweet, caring, and pretend as if nothing has happened. But words won't do you any good. To me it's a mask, because I've already seen your true colors, and I know what you are capable of doing. You need to prove to me you want my trust back. TRUST me when I say, "This hurts me more than it hurts you."

The Way of a Soldat





What can I say after it was done? Like everything you had was gone now.
Until death do us part? It never happened.

"Everything (Love) is black and white again. There is no turning back now. We have reached a time when people have a need for each other... When people have been taught to feel their desire and their doubts... We have reached an age when love is the question and the answer." - (Edited & Paraphrased by me)~ Luv Sic Pt. 3 (Extended) - Nujabes ft. Shing02.

"It's very hard to find someone willing to see your guts fall out, and then still be there for you in the way that you need them." -Meemee Koe

In the end, all things come into full circle.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ironic Foreshadowing? Too Much Information? Did I Just Read Myself?



This was the last love song she sent to me. When I read the lyrics to this song. I feel like she was trying to convey something to me. I have mixed feelings about the song. I love the song and all. But I struggle with it because of her. Haha perhaps I am reading to much into this. Yes everything heals with time. I think I am getting stronger. Of course I still hurt when I see her or hear from her. Like whenever I got texts from her last week, I suddenly felt shocked and at pain. I remember I couldn't concentrate and my stomach really started to hurt. I just wanted to go home then.

Friends do make everything better though. There's a lot I wish to say and stuff, I want someone to listen and vent to. But perhaps this is the best way. So I don't annoy that someone. Then again, who knows? Perhaps it's best to keep personal things; personal.

I also realized a while back my entries coincide with my emotions and personal life.
I realized that whenever I am depressed, I, of course write about depressing stuff, but that's not it. I tend to put out more entries. I MAKE time to write, because I usually don't have the time. This brings back memories of the Myspace days during my high school freshman year. Also my style writing is that of the romantics. Very interesting.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It's Really Time to Let Go, So Watch Me Fall.

A friend has been going through some tough times. He just made a comment; wanting June 13th to arrive faster. That's when he ships out to boot camp. He feels there is nothing for him here anymore.
Truthfully I can't blame him, I feel there is nothing in the civilian life for me anymore. Of course I have family and friends, perhaps they are the reason I am still kicking. It's just that I am still somewhat stuck on my past relationship, and it's hard to let go. I am sure I will get over it. Everything will be okay, it always turns out that way. I've lost a lot of enthusiasm for life, I don't mean to sound suicidal at all. I just don't really care about a long life. Who wants to live forever? Wouldn't that be a curse? You see so many of your loved ones die, then you make new ones; then they die. The cycle continues forever until you somehow get utterly destroyed.
I always keep saying, I am going to start working out, but now I lost the motivation for it. But I am sure this feeling of lethargy will pass. But if it doesn't pass soon I will definitely be hitting the grinder. It just sucks to exercise alone. No motivation. But perhaps that's what I need to get used to.
I've been praying a lot lately, for God to remove my emotional attachment, peace, and for me to just finally let go.
I believe she is a sweet woman, she deserved better than me. I keep praying for her happiness. Truth be told I am not entirely what happened. She told me I was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to her; the 1st is her daughter. I was told it was nothing my fault. But truthfully, why would it end then? Can you truly lose the "feeling of love"? I wonder a lot, was it truly love she had for me? Or was it infatuation and... Well, never mind that.
I am glad we are friends, but I keep catching myself from calling her, "Love".
I wonder if she still wants to write me while I am in the Army? I somehow doubt it. It would be nice if she did, but it makes me wonder if she's ready for the days that the letter will never return? I've asked that about her before, she teared up.
Let me drop that subject.
Makes me wonder if she ever reads this? She said she would bookmark it, but who knows? Maybe this is a way I can convey my feelings to her. I hope she doesn't get pissed or feels... Well, I won't mention it. I hope one day she will tell me the whole truth, even though it might not be pleasant.
But you know this writing is very liberating. I am not sure if there is anyone that likes reading this garbage I write. I am sure they read this, and say, "This garbage is childish and annoying," and perhaps it is. But it kinda frees me.
The good old days, when Love was just from the family. And there was no feeling of being lost.
In a way, I've had it, I am bitter again. I sometimes just want to shout and shift blame to everyone I know, and tell them "Watch me fall."
Wow that was just childish.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Plastic Lines Bought Us Back



The curtain of silence has been lifted.
But we are no longer the same.
There is no more intimate love.
We are bought back together as friends.
But deep inside of me, I still love you.
My heart is still heavy.
I wonder if you feel it too?
Plastic; it was what made us one.
The other men you now "Love" I hope you are happy.
In time I will return to peace.
I just wished I knew you were lying to me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Moving On

Finding out that you found someone other than me really destroyed me.
I wished you would have told me.
Isn't that what friends do?
Didn't you want to be friends?
Alas, I am glad you are happy and complete now.
I am sorry I didn't do either of those for you.
Did you lie, when you said I did?
What happened?

In the end, you are happy, that is all that matters.

I am now taking inventory. Contemplation....




Now I know that your love for me was never love. Just infatuation.
I loved you... And I still do... But now I am letting you go.
Time for me to grow up.
I've been immature about these feelings.
But I never let them get the best of me.
They are now festering inside my soul.

I pray for your happiness.
I know Christianity isn't your thing, but please pray for my peace.
You owe me that much.

My arms are still opened to you.
No matter what, you will always be a friend.